My Top 51 Movies of the 2010s

Posted on January 20, 2020November 10, 2022 by PJ Moran

For the first 21-22 years of my life, I liked movies in the same way that 98% of the population likes movies. There were certain blockbusters that I’d make sure to see in theaters on opening weekend, I’d try to catch a few of the Oscars contenders in theaters too, and I’d watch The Shawshank Redemption on TNT a few times a year.

Without sounding melodramatic or self-serious or whatever, movies began to take on more importance in my life when I graduated from college in 2015. Like most fresh postgrads, I wasn’t fully prepared to live alone without any provided structure, and this was compounded with a job I didn’t like and a home with four roommates I hadn’t previously known. I wasn’t struggling – seriously, no need to retroactively check in. I was just mostly bored and feeling creatively weighed down at such a young age.

Movies – with major ups to MoviePass and AMC Stubs – became an outlet to me in so many ways, especially as someone who doesn’t read books and doesn’t understand traditional art in any meaningful way. I started going to theaters on a weekly basis. I sought out movies with small budgets and movies that I normally would not have identified as my type. I started reading and listening to criticism from different perspectives and tried my best to pay it forward with criticism of my own. Each theater experience for me became simultaneously exciting and challenging and therapeutic, and looking back on my progression as a moviegoer from 2015 to 2020 is something I am legitimately proud of.

I tell you all of this because it prefaces a blog that you can find 1,000 variations of elsewhere on the Internet, yet it’s a blog that I am pumped to share. All 51 of these films, and the 21 Honorable Mentions, received an A or A+ grade by The PJ Scale ™. (This list started at 50 and then I saw a movie that cracked the list as I was writing, and I didn’t feel like deleting something I already wrote.)

A+ 9.8-10

A 9.3-9.7

A- 8.8-9.2

B+ 8.3-8.7

B 7.8-8.2

B- 7.3-7.7

C+ 6.8-7.2

C 6.3-6.7

C- 5.8-6.2

D+ 5.2-5.7

D 4.7-5.2

D- 4.1-4.6

F 0.0-4.0

Important caveats are that I missed a lot of movies that you might find on other similar lists, and my list is also skewed towards the latter half of the decade since I probably saw 5x as many movies during that time. So here it is, with a quick blurb for each selection and some favorite scenes along the way. (Probably goes without saying, but MAJOR spoiler potential.)

I SUCK FOR MISSING (2010-2018): 12 Years a Slave, 50/50, Black Swan, Contagion, Easy A, End of Watch, Frances Ha, Good Time, The Hate U Give, Her, How To Train Your Dragon Franchise, Inside Llewyn Davis, It, It Follows, Kick-Ass, John Wick Franchise, The Lobster, Magic Mike, Magic Mike XXL, The Master, Molly’s Game, Rush, Selma, Skyfall, The Town, The Tree of Life, Under the Skin, Warrior

SOON TO SEE (2019): Booksmart, Dark Waters, High Life, Jojo Rabbit, The Lighthouse, Little Women, Rocketman

51. CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLIDER (2014)

Directed by The Russo Brothers

A Soviet-era spy movie that comes out of NOWHERE, The Winter Soldier changed how we thought about Cap and the Marvel Cinematic Universe altogether. Keep in mind; this movie was released immediately following Iron Man 3 and Thor: The Dark World in the MCU. It had no business being this cool.

50. KNIVES OUT (2019)

Directed by Rian Johnson

Nothing about this whodunit fits the typical structure of the genre. You find out who committed the murder and how it happened in the first act. The A-listers are all in supporting roles around newcomer Ana de Armas. And yet, it totally works. It has more to say than you might expect – or care to hear depending on your Rian Johnson thoughts – but its calling card is being one of the most flat-out fun movies of the decade.

49. FRUITVALE STATION (2013)

Directed by Ryan Coogler

The absolutely GUTWRENCHING true story of the 2009 murder of Oscar Grant, Ryan Coogler’s feature debut gets a performance out of Michael B. Jordan that he still hasn’t touched since. This was the first collaboration between Coogler and Jordan – and all three are included in this blog in some capacity – and it remains the most emotionally affecting of the bunch.

48. CRAZY, STUPID, LOVE (2011)

Directed by Glenn Ficarra and John Requa

There isn’t another movie on this list that has more working against it. Robbie is one of the worst characters of this decade in film, the storyline with the babysitter was immediately problematic, and the movie asks you to suspend A LOT of disbelief for how much Steve Carell pulls. But I can’t deny how much I love this movie. The twists are amazing, and every Gosling/Stone scene is rom-com gold. DAVID LINDHAGEN!

47. THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI (2017)

Directed by Martin McDonagh

Shocking, controversial, and somehow still hilarious, Three Billboards is an absolute tornado of an experience. A lot of people were turned off by it, but I was sure as hell not one of them. It constantly verges on falling apart with its countless “what the hell did I just watch” moments, but Frances McDormand and Sam Rockwell keep it on track with their Oscar-winning performances.

46. TRUE GRIT (2010)

Directed by The Coen Brothers

A straightforward Western remake is antithetical to almost everything about The Coen Brothers, but it comes through so clearly watching True Grit how much of a blast they must have had making it. With a starmaking performance from Hailee Steinfeld and Matt Damon at perhaps his most outrageously fun, we are all better off for this movie existing.

45. 1917 (2019)

Directed by Sam Mendes

The first thing anyone wants to talk about with 1917 is the one-long-shot approach, and for good reason. It takes you right inside the horror of World War 1, and it might become the defining work of the greatest cinematographer of a generation, Roger Deakins. But the camerawork is almost too good, because it leaves the screenplay and lead performances as completely underrated. Although this movie intentionally feels like a sprint, there are so many amazing things going on within it.

44. MANCHESTER BY THE SEA (2016)

Directed by Kenneth Lonergan

Manchester By The Sea often comes up in conversation for how goddamn sad it is, and that’s valid. It’s devastating. But leaving it at that shortchanges this screenplay, of which you can count on one hand how many might have topped it this decade. And then there is Casey Affleck’s performance in the lead…good lord. I almost never think to revisit this movie, but that doesn’t make it any less of a masterpiece.

43. THE OTHER GUYS (2010)

Directed by Adam McKay

The Other Guys is oft quoted, from “Dirty Mike and the Boys” to the TLC references. But I still feel like it doesn’t have the legacy it deserves? I mean, Ferrell and Wahlberg pair PERFECTLY, and killing off The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson in the first 10 minutes remains one of the funniest things ever. Most people would tell me I’m crazy for saying this is my favorite McKay/Ferrell vehicle…but I think it is?

42. ARGO (2012)

Directed by Ben Affleck

Argo strangely feels like it happened 20 years ago, and it’s even stranger that a movie like this won Best Picture. Still, Argo-fuck yourself if you’re a hater. You know how it’s gonna end the whole time, but that doesn’t make the final act even a little bit less thrilling. Also, thanks again Canada!

41. STEVE JOBS (2015)

Directed by Danny Boyle

A criminally overlooked movie, thanks in part to bombing at the box office and the shitty Jobs biopic starring Ashton Kutcher that came out right beforehand. I love the pace, look, and dialogue of this movie – even if it comes dangerously close to Sorkin overload. But more than anything, Michael Fassbander CRUSHES in the title role. He got hosed at the Oscars with Leo getting his lifetime achievement award that year, and the really sad part is that Fassbender’s career today probably looks a lot different for the better had he won.

40. THE DISASTER ARTIST (2017)

Directed by James Franco

The really good movie about the really bad movie, James Franco pulled off something amazing here. You can convince me that it’s the funniest movie of the decade, but even without any jokes The Disaster Artist would be moving. In retrospect the Oscar buzz surrounding Franco’s performance was silly, and I wish they had gone a bit deeper into the dark side of being involved in the production of The Room. Still, I cackled, cried, and cheered in these 103 minutes.

39. THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (2012)

Directed by Christopher Nolan

If you had polled me midway through the decade, I would have told you that The Dark Knight Rises was a lock to finish in the Top 10 for this blog. It somehow lived up to the hype, Bane was instantly iconic, and it spurred a real debate over whether it was even better than The Dark Knight. Now you should be embarrassed to have that debate in public, and I’d agree that TDKR hasn’t aged all too well. But the fact that that debate actually did happen speaks to how awesome this movie was and still is.

38. SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK (2012)

Directed by David O. Russell

I’m not sure how well Silver Linings Playbook would be received if it were released in 2019 instead of 2012, but that’s not how it went, so I’ll disregard that hypothetical. Bradley Cooper became more than the guy from The Hangover, Jennifer Lawrence immediately became a star (and do not pretend like she wasn’t AWESOME in this), and De Niro hit a homer in a bold role. David O. Russell has had his fair share of whiffs since Silver Linings, but he really connected with this contradiction of a movie. It’s a rom-com that’s also a sports movie, and you’re laughing the whole time while the whole time you feel like you aren’t supposed to be laughing.

37. THE BIG SICK (2017)

Directed by Michael Showalter

Kumail Nanjiani’s passion project could not have been released at a more perfect time. Hysterical and important, The Big Sick was a sleeper hit behind its Oscar-nominated screenplay and insanely good performances – especially from Holly Hunter and Ray Romano. While I hope that everyone eventually sees this movie, its better legacy would be as a trailblazer for more original projects like it.

36. BLINDSPOTTING (2018)

Directed by Carlos Lopez Estrada

Similar in nature to The Big Sick, some of my favorite movies are the ones where it’s painfully obvious that the people involved have been fighting for years to bring it to the big screen. And whew boy, that is the case for Blindspotting. It’s not the first movie to tackle police violence or gentrification, but it has such a genuine style that I can’t really find a comparison. Just take my word for it.

35. THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL (2014)

Directed by Wes Anderson

I am by NO means a Wes Anderson fan, so The Grand Budapest Hotel’s placement on this list should tell you all you need to know about it. Visually stunning, actually funny, and anchored by an all-time turn from Ralph Fiennes, I can’t think of another movie from this decade that surprised me more with its sheer entertainment.

34. DRIVE (2011)

Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn

There might be some detractors out there now that Drive is approaching its tenth birthday, but I don’t care what they have to say. Drive is still so fucking cool. Almost no modern films look or sound better, and you know it right from the opening credits. The 2010s flat-out belonged to Ryan Gosling, and this still might be his most iconic performance even though he barely speaks.

33. TOY STORY 4 (2019)

Directed by Josh Cooley

This franchise, man. EVERYONE, myself included, had agreed that Toy Story 3 (more on that later) was the perfect culmination to this saga. It was more than fair to have concern over whether Pixar was going to milk another good-not-great sequel for a billion dollars like Monsters University and Finding Dory. But then, through a villainous 1950s pullstring doll and a spork having an existential crisis, you realize that they never actually wrapped up Woody and Buzz’s mutual arc? Toy Story 4 certainly didn’t flop, but I think time will be extremely kind to its legacy.

32. MAD MAX: FURY ROAD (2015)

Directed by George Miller

I’ll admit it: I didn’t get the hype when I saw Fury Road in theaters. Maybe I was just shell-shocked, but it took until about my fifth viewing on HBO to realize what George Miller pulled off. There are multiple action scenes that are among the best ever put to the big screen, and you can feel the realness behind each stunt and crash and explosion. I maintain that Tom Hardy is bad in this movie, but who cares? Charlize Theron’s Imperator Furiosa is one of the best characters of the decade, and I’m literally out of breath by the time they decide to go back on the road.

31. PHANTOM THREAD (2017)

Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson

My name is PJ, and I freaking love this movie about a 1950s idiosyncratic dressmaker and his muse. I hesitate to divulge any plot points or one-liners because they all hit so hard upon first watch. It’s Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Day-Lewis, so you really shouldn’t be too surprised, but seriously go watch Phantom Thread.

30. I, TONYA (2017)

Directed by Craig Gillespie

I rolled my eyes at the “Goodfellas on ice” marketing behind this movie, but that’s actually a pretty perfect description of I,Tonya! With a script that completely runs with the insanity of the whole situation and Margot Robbie and Allison Janney absolutely going for it, I, Tonya is almost impossibly fun. Sure, you might find yourself sympathizing a little too much for Harding at times, but there is enough to remind you that she’s a liar and overall shitty person. But damn, she could skate!

29. DJANGO UNCHAINED (2012)

Directed by Quentin Tarantino

A movie about slavery that is…cathartic and cool? Only Tarantino. I wouldn’t say that Django Unchained is a perfect movie, but it very well might be perfectly acted. Everyone involved is hitting the right notes, nobody more than Mr. DiCaprio in a rare supporting role. It’s a performance that isn’t any less jaw-dropping over seven years later. Honestly, it’s probably my favorite of his filmography, and that alone justifies a high ranking.

28. MOONLIGHT (2016)

Directed by Barry Jenkins

Bar none, there is not another movie on this list that rivals Moonlight in its pure beauty. Barry Jenkins grants you VIP access to Chiron’s heartbreaking self-discovery through three separate acts in his life. Moonlight is MUCH more than just an educational look into the life of an underrepresented protagonist. For my money, the scene above with Mahershala Ali (in a Hall of Fame performance) is the single best scene of the decade.

27a. PADDINGTON (2014)

27b. PADDINGTON 2 (2017)

Directed by Paul King

These movies are TREASURES. I love that polite bear from Darkest Peru more than anything. These are both family films to their cores, but the Paddington movies have transcended age because of their undeniable wholesomeness. I think I prefer the original while I can acknowledge that the sequel is probably a bit better, but I’m cheating here because picking against either of them would break my heart.

26. EX MACHINA (2014)

Directed by Alex Garland

More than any other movie that I can remember, I sat in my bed in silence for a LONG time after watching Ex Machina for the first time. It is indescribably unsettling, and I mean that in the best way possible. The movie looks and sounds incredible, and it will scare the ever-living shit out of you in non-traditional ways. A sharp screenplay from Alex Garland and a crazy good performance from Alicia Vikander elevate Ex Machina far beyond its basic questions about mankind.

25. THE AVENGERS (2012)

Directed by Joss Whedon

There have been some truly great entries among the 23 movies in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, the project that probably defines this decade in film more than anything. And yet, it is the entry that kickstarted the massive scale of these movies that we’ve come to love that remains the best of the MCU. You have to go back to 2012 logic to properly appreciate The Avengers. Marvel movies weren’t THAT popular yet, and people REALLY didn’t think all of these characters on screen at the same time would work. Um, it did, on its way to becoming one of only three movies released before 2015 to crack $1.5 billion at the box office.

24. THIS IS THE END (2013)

Directed by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg

This trailer blew up the Internet, and deservedly so behind a premise that is truly one of the most inventive of the decade. People are STILL quoting this movie, often without realizing it. (We were collectively not saying “tight” a lot before this came out.) You get cokehead Michael Cera, pretentious Jonah Hill, axe-wielding Emma Watson…the list keeps going. It’s the best pure comedy of the 2010s to me.

23. THE NICE GUYS (2016)

Directed by Shane Black

The Nice Guys is the type of movie that rarely gets made anymore, which is a shame because it’s my favorite kind of movie. Shane Black was given $50 million by Warner Bros. to bring his script – which fits into three separate genres according to Wikipedia – to life behind Russell Crowe and Gos-God in the leads. Unfortunately, I don’t see more movies like it being made in the future, since The Nice Guys didn’t land at the box office or win awards. But it is fucking hilarious, thrilling, and has way more heart than you’d suspect.

22. ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD (2019)

Directed by Quentin Tarantino

I had not for the life of me been able to pick which of Tarantino’s films I liked more between Django and Once Upon a Time. But I’m giving the more recent of the two the nod because it has already started to age incredibly well. I really liked Once Upon a Time upon my first viewing a few months ago in theaters, but I have revered this movie ever since my first rewatch. EVERY scene is worth searching on YouTube. And Brad Pitt…just unfairly cool.

21. HELL OR HIGH WATER (2016)

Directed by David Mackenzie

A couple things are certain when it comes to Hell or High Water. This would be a ton of people’s single favorite movie if it gains the exposure it deserves, and if not for No Country For Old Men it might be the greatest neo-western of all time. Extremely badass with an extremely important social statement to boot, this movie is ferocious from start to finish. ESPECIALLY to finish…good lord, Ben Foster.

20. HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 2 (2011)

Directed by David Yates

It would be disingenuous to suggest that Deathly Hallows was split up into two parts purely for cinematic reasons…but man it worked out for the best. Part 2 is a rush from the get-go, loaded with action and awesome visuals. But there is never any distraction from the emotional stakes of the culmination of this pop culture phenomenon. With the amount of franchises that have botched their landings in recent years, Harry Potter going out with its best entry is only more magical in hindsight.

19. EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!! (2016)

Directed by Richard Linklater

A near lock to become a cult classic, Everybody Wants Some!! is Richard Linklater’s “spiritual sequel” to Dazed and Confused that largely went unseen. But that description is accurate, because this movie is truly just as good. A hangout movie with a cast that you genuinely would want to hangout with, there wasn’t a movie released this decade that I have more fun revisiting.

18. CREED (2015)

Directed by Ryan Coogler

Maybe the most pleasant surprise of the decade, Creed was released on the heels of multiple mediocre Rocky movies and went on to become one of the greatest sports movies of all time in the process. Ryan Coogler rejuvenated this franchise with amazing boxing scenes and a brilliant story that allowed Sylvester Stallone to be in the movie as way more than just a cameo. It’s a bummer that Coogler was one-and-done in the franchise, but at least we can revisit Creed and still feel those thrills we got the first time.

17. GONE GIRL (2014)

Directed by David Fincher

The movie that I just assume is better than the book, Gone Girl is a popcorn thriller that still gets two thumbs up from even the most pretentious Fincher fanatic. Rosamund Pike is obviously and rightfully the star here – she should have won the Oscar. But Affleck is AWESOME in this movie too! It’s troubling, scary, and will sure as hell mess with your mind. But it’s still so cool.

16. THE EDGE OF SEVENTEEN (2016)

Directed by Kelly Fremon Craig

The Edge of Seventeen is my personal pick as the most underrated movie of the decade, and I say that as someone who was late to discovering it. But ever since my first time with it, I’ve watched it again as much as any other movie. I’m of the belief that Hailee Steinfeld should be the most famous person on the planet, and if you think that’s crazy then watch her performance in this and get back to me. Affecting and funny for any viewer at any age, The Edge of Seventeen belongs in that Mean Girls tier of coming-of-age films.

15. SPOTLIGHT (2015)

Directed by Tom McCarthy

Normally a biographical newspaper movie is one that comes off as Oscar-bait, but Spotlight is legitimately gripping. Perfectly written, acted, and directed, everyone involved does their part to present you the facts without any greater agenda. It’s one of the more disturbing movies of the decade, yet one that’s strangely rewatchable. The silence that hit my theater during the final credits was my most chilling movie moment of the decade, maybe ever.

14. MONEYBALL (2011)

Directed by Bennett Miller

I’ll admit: I didn’t take to Moneyball back when it came out, and yes that is entirely because I am a baseball snob. Although I do still think it’s a bit weird how the movie makes zero mention of the A’s having the MVP and Cy Young winner on their team, I can look past that now because the rest of Moneyball is a cinematic achievement. Scouting meetings and trade negotiations for relievers play out like gunfights, and Brad Pitt has never been better. I can proudly admit that this story makes me emotional just thinking about it. It revolutionized sports, and all business to a degree, with the simple concept of playing to human beings’ strengths. How can you not be romantic about baseball?

13. MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT (2018)

Directed by Christopher McQuarrie

Perhaps my most rewarding film experience of the decade was binging the first five Mission: Impossible movies in advance of Fallout hitting theaters. I figured it would be good with its dope trailer and strong early buzz. I didn’t realize that I’d be walking into one of the greatest action movies ever made. You get Henry Cavill as a villain. You get the return of Rebecca Ferguson as Ilsa Faust. You get the club bathroom fight. You get the HALO jump. I hesitate to say Tom Cruise’s daredevil approach to these movies is worth it because I’m afraid he’s going to kill himself in one of these stunts, but damn they are spectacular.

12. THE BIG SHORT (2015)

Directed by Adam McKay

Simultaneously one of the best comedies and horror movies of the decade, The Big Short managed to make us laugh while successfully simplifying the events that led to the financial crisis. The invention behind the storytelling and editing of this movie will likely be lost on people as time goes on, but The Big Short was a game changer. Just think about it: the most historically accurate movie about the financial crisis is the same one with Margot Robbie (as herself) in a bathtub.

11. WHIPLASH (2014)

Directed by Damien Chazelle

A movie about a jazz drummer is also one of the most intense movies of the decade. Whiplash is about letting nothing get in the way of your dream, and it is exhilarating to watch it all unfold. J.K. Simmons puts forward one of the truly iconic performances…of the decade? Of all time? It’s that elite. Whiplash has a perfect ending and only runs for 107 minutes, but it could have gone on forever and I’d be satisfied.

10. BIRDMAN (2014)

Directed by Alejandro G. Iñárritu

The most dazzling movie of the decade, Birdman is a goddamn trip. Filmed to make it look like the entire movie is one shot, this is a breakthrough from a cinematography standpoint. And that score with the drums! Holy shit! Birdman is more than its aesthetics and technicality though. You find yourself desperately rooting for Michael Keaton’s Riggan Thomson, who really could have won an Oscar for this fairly meta performance as a washed up superhero actor. It did win Best Picture, one of the few times this decade the Academy made a good call there.

9. LA LA LAND (2016)

Directed by Damien Chazelle

It was really a bummer that La La Land got swept up in the Best Picture race against Moonlight, because so many people still hold a grudge against it despite it being a masterpiece. It’s inspiring, funny, beautifully shot, and has songs that you’ll listen to in your free time. But none of those things are what separates it for me. Emma Stone earned her Oscar too, but that’s not it either. It’s the ending, which is long and unexpected and not “happy,” but it is PERFECT. My favorite ending of the decade.

8. INCEPTION (2010)

Directed by Christopher Nolan

I’m not ranking Inception this high to get your take on whether or not the top is going to stop spinning at the end of the movie. I’m ranking it this high because it’s one of the most inventive movies I’ve ever seen, from visual and musical and storytelling standpoints. The movie is almost ten years old now and it still feels like you’re in an experiment when you’re watching it. I don’t side with Chris Nolan critics who roll their eyes at how heady his movies can be, although I do at least understand it in a case like Interstellar. I don’t think that argument applies to Inception whatsoever though. Whenever the characters go deeper into another dream, the deeper I get sucked into the movie.

7. PARASITE (2019)

Directed by Bong Joon-ho

Believe the hype. Parasite is stunning. It’s addicting too, as I’ve already seen it twice when there are so many 2019 movies still out there that I need to see. It’s metaphoric in a fairly simple way, but it is so brilliant and clever with its twists, dialogue, visuals, etc. Even without the subtitles, I think I could have understood and been rocked by what transpires in the movie, which hopefully speaks to what Bong Joon-ho pulled off here.

6. SICARIO (2015)

Directed by Denis Villeneuve

Sicario is somehow that movie that I wouldn’t wish on anyone but also the movie that I don’t think I can be friends with you if you haven’t seen it. It’s impeccable, but holy hell is it an uncomfortable watch. It’s script, which is extremely gritty but also ambitious with its content, put Taylor Sheridan on the map. It’s an absolutely loaded cast with Emily Blunt, Benecio del Toro, Josh Brolin and Daniel Kaluuya, yet you don’t really care what any of their characters’ names are. You’re too dialed in to care. It’s maybe the most intense movie I’ve ever seen. I’ll never forget the feeling of being stapled to my theater chair as the final credits rolled.

5. TOY STORY 3 (2010)

Directed by Lee Unkrich

The most emotionally resonant movie of the decade, of course, was the one that introduced us to characters such as Lots-O’-Huggin’ Bear and Mr. Pricklepants. Toy Story 3 WRECKED everyone back in 2010, with themes of loss and goodbyes cooked in with the nostalgia of seeing these beloved characters on the big screen for the first time since the 90s. Think about how unlikely of a success story this was. How often is the decade-too-late sequel even a little bit good? And to become arguably the best Pixar movie ever made? Miracle.

4. BOYHOOD (2014)

Directed by Richard Linklater

boyhood

I’m sure other directors have had the idea to film a movie in pieces over an elongated period of time, but thank goodness we got Richard Linklater as the one who actually pulled it off. As intimate as a movie possibly can be, Boyhood is a masterpiece. Plain and simple. Even though Boyhood operates essentially without a plot, it’s the most relatable movie that I’ve experienced, and I know I say that as a white kid who grew up in suburban New Jersey. But I think people from all different walks of life feel this way about Boyhood, and that’s kinda its point.

3. ARRIVAL (2016)

Directed by Denis Villeneuve

If you unfortunately missed Arrival when it came out, let me give you the brief synopsis: extraterrestrial seven-limbed creatures called heptapods have arrived on Earth in giant bean-like vessels. Interested?! I get if that description or sci-fi movies in general don’t do it for you, but Arrival also happens to offer beautiful and necessary insight into humanity and how we talk to one another. Denis Villeneuve’s work here had me itching to give him a standing ovation from the movie theater. The movie looks and sounds UNREAL, and it features a twist that is so captivating and heartbreaking that you don’t even realize is critical to the outcome of the movie until it hits you over the head and heart.

2. GET OUT (2017)

Directed by Jordan Peele

Quick preface: the final two movies on my list were my two 10/10 grades of the decade. To hit that perfect score, I’m looking for a movie that is a game-changer, culturally significant, stylish, thrilling, funny, and a time capsule of its era. That’s all! But somehow, Get Out meets those standards. Honestly I have no interest in writing about the importance of Get Out; I’ll let its “I would have voted for Obama a third time if I could” line speak for itself. But what does interest me is the feeling that all moviegoers crave: the feeling midway through a movie that you are watching something truly special. That feeling coming on a $4.5 million budget from one of the Key & Peele guys? One of the greatest Hollywood achievements EVER.

1. THE SOCIAL NETWORK (2010)

Directed by David Fincher

The Social Network is the movie of the decade for all of the reasons that I just listed above for Get Out. But there are even more factors in play here. The onset and growth of the Internet is one of the few paradigm shifts of the past century or so, and The Social Network is the best Internet movie ever made. In that sense, it’s All the President’s Men for computer nerds. But it’s entirely different in another sense, because the protagonist of this movie is no hero. In fact, part of what makes The Social Network so fascinating is how it’s aging into more and more into a villain origin story by the day. Remember when people thought that Fincher, Sorkin, and Jesse Eisenberg were too harsh in their portrayal of Zuck? While now we all wish they had actually gone in harder, it’s still astonishing how much those three truly understood this landscape and its perils all the way back in 2010. Nothing defines the 2010s more than the rise and fall of Facebook. The Social Network shows you the rise, but dig deeper and you can see that it’s also previewing the fall.

Honorable Mentions

Looper (2012)

Dallas Buyers Club (2013)

Prisoners (2013)

Snowpiercer (2013)

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

The Imitation Game (2014)

Interstellar (2014)

Nightcrawler (2014)

Top Five (2014)

The Martian (2015)

Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation (2015)

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (2015)

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016)

Coco (2017)

Lady Bird (2017)

Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

Black Panther (2018)

Crazy Rich Asians (2018)

First Man (2018)

First Reformed (2018)

Marriage Story (2019)

OTHER

Should, Could, Will, Why, and Where: The 2019 Oscars

Posted on February 23, 2019November 10, 2022 by PJ Moran

The Academy can’t make up their minds about anything, but for now the Oscars are scheduled for Sunday, so I’m back with Connor Stambaugh to break down everything we want to happen and everything that will happen instead.

oscars 2019

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, BlacKkKlansman, Can You Ever Forgive Me?, If Beale Street Could Talk, A Star Is Born

Should Win: BlacKkKlansman

Could Win: A Star Is Born

Will Win: BlacKkKlansman

Why…Nothing!

Where is…First Man?

It’s funny that we’re leading off with this category, because you’ll quickly realize that I am NOT fond of the Academy’s overall choices this year…but this is good! This honestly might be the best category of the night, and there were a few other adapted screenplays that could’ve made the cut. The hilarious yet smart screenplays of Black Panther and Crazy Rich Asians come to mind, but I especially wish there could have been room for First Man’s slow burn. I guess it could have taken Buster Scruggs’ spot, especially since that stretches the definition of an adapted screenplay, but I actually really liked that movie and the Coen Brothers kinda have to try to not to get nominated.

Despite decent odds for both Can You Ever Forgive Me and If Beale Street Could Talk, I think this comes down to BlacKkKlansman vs. A Star Is Born, and either would be a fantastic choice. The buildup of A Star Is Born is just so, so good, as is the writing behind the addiction storyline. And the dialogue is probably the best of the year. Was there a more repeated 2018 movie line than “I just wanted take another look at ya”? Still, I can’t shake how steep the drop-off is over the second half of the movie. So I give the slightest of personal edges to the hilarious, brutal, and timely screenplay of BlacKkKlansman. I’m pretty confident it wins out too. It’s deserving of the honor, and like I wrote in this blog last year about Jordan Peele, there’s just no way that the Academy lets Spike Lee go home empty handed. I don’t feel great about his chances in the bigger categories, so Spike gets his long overdue Oscar here.

Connor

Should Win: BlacKkKlansman

Could Win: If Beale Street Could Talk

Will Win: BlacKkKlansman

Why… The Ballad of Buster Scruggs?

Where is…Widows?

Academy Award winner Spike Lee. Sounds pretty good, right? Get ready for it. This is a pretty exceptional category, and I really enjoyed Buster Scruggs so that kinda hurts but thems the rules. Beale Street is knocking on the door but this one is pretty much locked. Gillian Flynn took a complex heist narrative, fleshed out each character, and (along with Steve McQueen and a baddest cast) created a rousing and thoughtful piece of popcorn entertainment with Widows. Would’ve been nice to see.

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: The Favourite, First Reformed, Green Book, Roma, Vice

Connor

Should Win: The Favourite or First Reformed

Could Win: Green Book

Will Win: The Favourite

Why…Green Book?

Where is…Eighth Grade? Sorry To Bother You?

This is a wild one, where a different film has won every major precursor. The Favourite *should* score here for its devilish wit, and it’s nice to see Paul Schrader recognized with his first career nod for the incredible First Reformed. (Seriously, go watch it. It’s streaming on Prime). Green Book somehow won the Globe and cannot be ignored. Bo Burnham? More like No Burnham. I’ll show myself out. But seriously, his WGA-winning script is so fucking good and should’ve been here. Special shoutout to Boots Riley for his imaginative and daring Sorry To Bother You script.

Should Win: First Reformed

Could Win: Green Book

Will Win: The Favourite

Why…Vice?

Where is…Blindspotting?

YUCK. They botched my favorite category this time around. This is usually where the more original and creative movies of the year that are too bold for other categories get their due, but instead the Academy pretty much teed off with an 8 iron on a Par 5. I personally didn’t care for a majority of these screenplays, but even objectively the Vice screenplay is straight up not good. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to see it nominated since Adam McKay is a genius, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s sloppy, largely uninteresting, and has no bite. As for the others, Green Book’s feel-good vibes don’t make up for its cheese factor and messy racial dynamics in my book, and Roma was just so sprawling. I don’t have enough fingers to list off the more deserving options here, but I’ll shout out Blindspotting since it was super underrated and had a script with more energy than any other movie I saw in 2018.

Still, it’s hard for me to get too upset here, because the First Reformed screenplay got a bit of a surprising nomination, and it was my favorite of the year. It was so goddamn brilliant and thought provoking and daring. Paul Schrader, who got his first ever Oscar nomination for this screenplay EVEN THOUGH HE WROTE TAXI DRIVER AND RAGING BULL, should be getting his first statuette as well, but it’s going to Deborah Davis and Tony McNamara instead. And I’d actually be fine with that – The Favourite was extremely original with A++ insults to boot.

Best Supporting Actor

Nominees: Mahershala Ali for Green Book, Adam Driver for BlacKkKlansman, Sam Elliott for A Star Is Born, Richard E. Grant for Can You Ever Forgive Me?, Sam Rockwell for Vice

Should Win: Adam Driver

Could Win: Mahershala Ali or Sam Elliott

Will Win: Richard E. Grant

Why…Sam Rockwell?

Where is…Jason Isaacs for The Death of Stalin?

Each of these next two categories is going to be FUN. Since four of these nominees are hugely deserving and at least three stand a good chance of winning, I’m going to trim the fat now: Sam Rockwell has absolutely no business being here. He was actually one of the few things I liked about Vice, but that’s just because he offered like five minutes of pure comic relief with his Dubya impression. If we’re giving that final spot to whoever served up the most laughs per scene, then it should have gone to Isaacs.

Anyway, a lot of people have this category as a runaway for Ali. Not only do I not see it that way, I have a weird feeling that he’s not going to win. His performance as Don Shirley was undoubtedly great, but he’s got a few things working against him. First and foremost, the Shirley Family was apparently less than pleased with the characterization and the movie as a whole. But Ali also won this very award just two years ago for Moonlight, and that performance dwarfs this one. (I would remove him from the category altogether just because he’s a goddamn lead in this movie, but nobody else seems to care about that.) The other three nominees each delivered one of my ten favorite performances of the year. I loved Driver’s the most, but I just don’t think there’s any way the Academy would risk the optics of the white guy winning the only Oscar for BlacKkKlansman. Elliott might have given the best pound-for-pound performance of ANY actor, but he just wasn’t in the movie that much and I’m not sure he can overcome that. (Seriously you morons, the category is for SUPPORTING performances. This is what that is supposed to mean!) So that leaves Grant, a popular actor who is impossible to look away from in Can You Ever Forgive Me? His speech would be a highlight of the night.

Connor

Should Win: Sam Elliott

Could Win: Richard E. Grant

Will Win: Mahershala Ali

Why…Sam Rockwell?

Where is…Everyone?

Sam Elliott backing out of the driveway. Nuff said. Anyone with a close relationship to a sibling would be absolutely gutted right there. I was ready to hand this to him back in October, but who are we kidding? Mahershala is taking this home. It’s a walk. Richard E. Grant, however charming he may be, doesn’t have as close of a shot as some pundits are predicting. Going with the stats here. It should be noted that this category was so strong all year that you could have an incredible field of five that weren’t even nominated – Chalamet, Hugh Grant, Michael B. Jordan, Nicholas Hoult, Alex Wolff.

Best Supporting Actress

Nominees: Amy Adams for Vice, Marina de Tavira for Roma, Regina King for If Beale Street Could Talk, Emma Stone for The Favourite, Rachel Weisz for The Favourite

Connor

Should Win: Rachel Weisz

Could Win: Regina King

Will Win: Rachel Weisz

Why…Nothing!

Where is…Claire Foy for First Man?

Here is my ballsy pick. Hear me out: Regina King has long been considered the frontrunner for her performance in If Beale Street Could Talk, but missing out on SAG (the actor’s branch that makes up the majority of Academy voters) and BAFTA nominations hurt. Weisz has won before and is *incredible* as Lady Sarah in The Favourite. Beale Street’s three nominations vs. The Favourite’s ten. Coming off the BAFTA win, I’m feeling the love for Weisz. Claire Foy was stellar in First Man, and I think her missing out on a nom is more of a knock against the film than it is for her performance. Other than that, de Tavira is the best part of Roma and this is a very strong category.

Should Win: Rachel Weisz

Could Win: Regina King

Will Win: Rachel Weisz

Why…Amy Adams?

Where is…Claire Foy for First Man?

SERIOUSLY THOUGH…WHERE IS CLAIRE FOY?!?! I thought she was going to win the damn thing! Did every single Academy voter get up to take a piss during the “BUNCH OF BOYS” scene? Christ.

I swear I’m not copying here. The Academy clearly didn’t love If Beale Street Could Talk. Ironically enough, I did, but I don’t get the hype surrounding King. She was definitely good, but it’s a mostly dialed-back performance and she doesn’t have THAT scene that you usually look for from supporting actors. If I were to bet on Oscars, I’d put money on both nominees from The Favourite. The fact that both already have Oscars could work against them, but Weisz won all the way back in 2006. Also, mildly important, she outdoes Stone in the movie.

(Don’t even float the idea of Adams winning to me. I LOVE me some Amy Adams, but she was not very good in this role.)

Best Actress

Nominees: Yalitza Aparicio for Roma, Glenn Close for The Wife, Olivia Colman for The Favourite, Lady Gaga for A Star Is Born, Melissa McCarthy for Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Should Win: Lady Gaga

Could Win: Olivia Colman

Will Win: Glenn Close

Why…Yalitza Aparicio?

Where is…Toni Collette for Hereditary?

I’ve had a really last-second change of heart here. I’m confident that Close will finally lose her distinction of being the most nominated actor ever without a win, and I was all aboard that train. I still think she was incredible and that this wouldn’t be a bad case of lifetime achievement recognition, but my rule in the acting categories is that performances from bad movies shouldn’t win. I actually kinda liked The Wife almost solely due to Close’s performance, but the fact of the matter is that it’s not a particularly good movie. A Star Is Born, on the other hand, is very good. I had a few minor issues with Gaga’s performance, but her singing scenes was instantly legendary and I’m still amazed by how convincingly she played a grounded character.

As for Aparicio, I love the “can you BELIEVE it was her first time acting” reviews. Yes. Yes I can. (I’ll let Connor talk Collette.)

Connor

Should Win: Olivia Colman

Could Win: Olivia Colman

Will Win: Glenn Close

Why…Yalitza Aparicio?

Where is…Toni Collette for Hereditary?

Toni Collette gave, in my opinion, one of the greatest performances of the decade in Hereditary. I just don’t understand the miss. Yalitza was solid but unremarkable. I didn’t buy in emotionally and I don’t see her having a long career in film. Of all people not named Toni Collette, Olivia Colman should win here. She’s at once tragic and hilarious and I want to hear another Olivia Colman speech. (Check out her BAFTA win). She’s in for a dogfight against Close and her “career award.” I haven’t seen The Wife & will have to let PJ speak to her performance, but the idea of awarding someone based on her career instead of a single performance is annoying. Give her an honorary Oscar and give the queen her hardware.

Best Actor

Nominees: Christian Bale for Vice, Bradley Cooper for A Star Is Born, Willem Dafoe for At Eternity’s Gate, Rami Malek for Bohemian Rhapsody, Viggo Mortensen for Green Book

Connor

Should Win: Bradley Cooper

Could Win: Christian Bale

Will Win: Rami Malek

Why…Willem Dafoe? Viggo Mortensen?

Where is…Ethan Hawke for First Reformed?

Like Collette, 2018 belonged to Ethan Hawke. His perfect role in the perfect First Reformed was, well, perfect. This award doesn’t count. Cancel the show. Luckily, the second best male performance of the year is Bradley Cooper’s. It is *insane* to me that he will lose to anyone in this category. He is the only one not playing a real life figure, and to build up such a believable, tragic character from the ground up (not to mention the live singing, piano, guitar, directing, writing, producing, etc.) is remarkable. Bale is the Gary Oldman of this year and the Academy loves rewarding actors who transform, but at this point I don’t think there is any stopping Rami Malek and the behemoth that is Bohemian Rhapsody.

Should Win: Bradley Cooper

Could Win: Rami Malek or Bradley Cooper

Will Win: Christian Bale

Why…Willem Dafoe?

Where is…Ethan Hawke for First Reformed?

Connor already covered how ass backwards this category has been from the start, from Hawke’s snub all the way to Malek dominating the awards circuit for an impression from a shit movie that is honestly more problematic than uncanny. So instead, I want to focus on what really matters: At Eternity’s Gate. I know almost nobody saw this movie…but did ANYONE see this movie besides me? Because it is bad. Like SOOOOO bad. It’s a drama about van Gogh that uses more shaky cam than Cloverfield. And Dafoe isn’t even good in it! Half of his performance is sprinting through the countryside for no particular reason! All right, now that that’s off my chest, Bradley Cooper should win in a landslide. Thank you.

Best Director

Nominees: Spike Lee for BlacKkKlansman, Pawel Pawlikowski for Cold War, Yorgos Lanthimos for The Favourite, Alfonso Cuaron for Roma, Adam McKay for Vice

Should Win: Alfonso Cuaron

Could Win: Not Happening

Will Win: Alfonso Cuaron

Why…Adam McKay?

Where is…Ryan Coogler for Black Panther?

This is the only lock of the night among the major awards. Cuaron turned an extremely personal story about his upbringing in Mexico City into a technical and visual masterpiece. He deserves his second Oscar.

I obviously didn’t like Vice, but I didn’t hate it either. I just think it’s mind-boggling that it got Oscar nominations, let alone EIGHT of them. So that pretty much speaks to what I thought of McKay’s direction, which never deviated past “Dick Cheney was bad.” I would have so much rather seen Bradley Cooper, Christopher McQuarrie, Damien Chazelle, or Ryan Coogler, who turned the 18^th Marvel movie into way more than a superhero movie, in that spot.

Connor

Should Win: Alfonso Cuarón or Yorgos Lanthimos

Could Win: Spike Lee

Will Win: Alfonso Cuarón

Why…Adam McKay?

Where is…Bradley Cooper for A Star Is Born?

This is Cuarón’s to lose after sweeping all relevant precursors. One of the safest bets of the night, but I know there is a groundswell of support for Spike here as he is long overdue for a nom (and because BlacKkKlansman rules pretty damn hard). I’ve long been a Lanthimos fan and he turns in an obscenely lavish & wonderful film while directing the best ensemble of the year. Much has been said about Bradley Cooper’s snub and while I think his greatest contribution to A Star Is Born is in front of the camera, there’s no denying he is also a born director. I’m not losing sleep—he’ll be back.

Best Picture

Nominees: Black Panther, BlacKkKlansman, Bohemian Rhapsody, The Favourite, Green Book, Roma, A Star Is Born, Vice

Connor

Should Win: The Favourite

Could Win: Roma or The Favourite

Will Win: Green Book

Why…Bohemian Rhapsody?

Where are…The ‘Firsts’? (First Reformed, First Man)

This is one of the more wide-open Best Picture races in recent memory (and probably history). That said, only four have a reasonable shot at winning – Roma, Green Book, BlacKkKlansman, and The Favourite. Roma has been the critics champ all year long, but I think it has too much working against it. I don’t think the Academy is ready for a Netflix film to win the big one, and no foreign language film has ever won Best Picture. Roma is going to have a huge night, but I think it comes up empty-handed in the end. That leaves Academy-friendly, controversy riddled Green Book in prime position after riding a wave of solid box office and a strong showing at the Globes and other precursors. That said, neither Roma nor Green Book nabbed an Editing nom, which is a key indicator of Best Pic momentum and could spell trouble for both. If The Favourite takes Editing, watch out. The Favourite is my personal, ahem, favourite of the bunch and I would love to see a sweep. If Editing goes to either Vice or Bohemian Rhapsody, my money is on Green Book. Bohemian Rhapsody was incredibly entertaining (how could it not be with that music?) and Rami Malek does very well, but I don’t think it belongs here. I don’t understand how First Man got shafted across the board (that score!), and I need to plug First Reformed (my favorite of 2018) as another snub.

Should Win: Black Panther

Could Win: A Star Is Born

Will Win: Roma

Why…Bohemian Rhapsody?

Where is…Mission: Impossible – Fallout?

I don’t think 2018 was a standout movie year by any means, but man, these nominees make it seem like the worst movie year ever when that was certainly not the case. It’s gotta be the worst Best Picture class since when? 2011? This is all headlined by Bohemian Rhapsody, a generic yet terrible sing-a-long biopic that was half-made by known creep Bryan Singer and half-made WITHOUT A DIRECTOR. Just about any 2018 film could have justifiably taken its place, or, ya know, one of the two spaces that the Academy just opted not to use? We’re clearly still far away from a time when action movies will receive fair consideration for Oscars, because Mission: Impossible – Fallout is one of the finest ever made. It was the best movie I saw all year.

As for the winner, I’m not gonna overthink this one. Roma landed the most nominations, has arguably the most respected director in the world attached to it, and has supporters in just about every guild. I know it’s a Netflix movie and that a foreign film has never won Best Picture, but I just think too many voters are in love with it. If we’re talking upsets, I think A Star Is Born has WAY more of a chance than people are giving it. The Academy is clearly preoccupied by box office and winning over millennials, so yeah, I think the Lady Gaga movie that made over $400mil is in the hunt. I really don’t have a ride-or-die in this race, but I’d give my vote to Black Panther, which was undoubtedly the movie of the year and changed the game for an entire genre.

Nominee From Another Category That Needs To Win

Best Film Editing

Barry Alexander Brown for BlacKkKlansman

Despite the numerous problems that I have with both Bohemian Rhapsody and Green Book, both of those movies are actually really well edited. And The Favourite was crazy innovative from a technical standpoint. But BlacKkKlansman was a PERFECTLY paced movie, and without pinpoint editing the tonal mashup probably doesn’t work.

Connor

Best Animated Feature Film

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Best Picture Ballot

Connor	PJ
1. The Favourite	1. Black Panther
2t. A Star Is Born	2. BlacKkKlansman
2t. BlacKkKlansman	3. A Star Is Born
4. Roma	4. Roma
5. Black Panther	5. The Favourite
6. Bohemian Rhapsody	6. Green Book
Green Book (Haven’t Seen)	7. Vice
Vice (Haven’t Seen)	8. Bohemian Rhapsody

Top 10 of 2018

Connor	PJ
1. First Reformed	1. Mission: Impossible – Fallout
2. The Favourite	2. Blindspotting
3. Paddington 2	3. Crazy Rich Asians
4. Eighth Grade	4. First Reformed
5. Sorry To Bother You	5. First Man
6. Mandy	6. Black Panther
7. A Star Is Born	7. BlacKkKlansman
8. Widows	8. Destroyer
9. Annihilation	9. Avengers: Infinity War
10. Hereditary	10. If Beale Street Could Talk

OTHER

My 2018 in Movies

Posted on January 2, 2019November 10, 2022 by PJ Moran

Another year come, another year gone in movies. More than anything, 2018 in cinema was…weird. We started the year with MoviePass as the Wild Wild West, and we ended the year with MoviePass as the app that allows you to see the 10am showing of Instant Family and only that. It was a year where rom-coms returned and superhero movies became fun again! And by all accounts, this was a monster year for documentaries and foreign films too. (The only one I checked out in either category was Roma.) But overall this felt like a mostly down year for traditional, narrative-driven, English-language films. Your Oscars guesses are as good as mine. Still, there was a lot to really like in movies this year, and even some stuff to love. I’m headlining this blog with my obligatory, movie-critic-wannabe Top 10 of the Year. (I used to rank movies both objectively and subjectively, but that got confusing even for me, so now I’ve lumped them together.) But I’m also including the best and worst of other categories – some of the awards show variety, others made up by yours truly. I saw about fifty 2018 releases, and here’s what I thought about them.

(Haven’t-Yet-Seen Notables: Bad Times At The El Royale, Blindspotting, Burning, Halloween, If Beale Street Could Talk, Jurassic Park: Fallen Kingdom, Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, Ocean’s 8, Ralph Breaks the Internet, Support the Girls, The Rider)

TEN BEST MOVIES

10. Ready Player One

No, I haven’t read the book. I haven’t read most books, if you’re asking. So I went into this movie completely blind, and two hours later I emerged with possibly my favorite theater experience of the year. A meditation on how CGI action can actually be awesome, Ready Player One is an absolute visual delight. Are the characters underdeveloped and is the story far too reliant on exposition? Sure. But this movie is proof that Steven Spielberg can still capture our imaginations, and that’s worth a whole lot.

9. BlacKkKlansman

I’m not sure if Spike Lee ever lost it, but if he did, well then he’s found it. A tonal mashup like no other in 2018, BlacKkKlansman tries to be a ton of different things at once, and it succeeds on most levels. And that’s including a tie-in to reality at the credits that hits devastatingly hard. Occasionally Spike swings and misses and a few scenes bothered me, but this is an incredibly well acted movie that manages to be haunting and hilarious at the same time. (Responsible for my loudest laugh in a theater this year.)

8. Paddington 2

Yup, I’m eating the marmalade too. I was late to the game, but these movies are just as wonderful as everyone says they are. I slightly prefer the original to the sequel, but Paddington 2 is still the best Wes Anderson movie that Wes Anderson movie didn’t actually make. You know in the back of your heart that nothing harmful can actually happen to Paddington, but that doesn’t stop you from worrying sick at all times about the well being of this polite bear from Darkest Peru. And DO NOT even get me going on the ending. Good lord, I still can barely handle it.

7. A Star Is Born

After an onslaught of a marketing campaign and Oscar buzz for Lady Gaga that feels like it started in 2017, A Star Is Born annoyed me before I even saw it. But then about halfway through the movie after that scene (more on it later), I thought to myself, “oh, so this might be the best movie ever.” That ended up definitely not being the case after a flawed second half, but I was still blown away by the final product. The soundtrack, the acting, the direction – I still can’t believe that Bradley Cooper actually delivered.

6. Avengers: Infinity War

For about 95% of the movie, I was properly satisfied with Infinity War. The Russo Brothers balanced all of the characters really well, there were some great fight scenes, Thor’s arrival on Wakanda was electric – it all did the job. Then that ending happened. The one that probably didn’t change the game but still feels like it changed the game. It was so bold and unexpected, and it instantly vaulted Thanos into elite villain territory. Who cares if its sequel is already being promoted? Let’s enjoy Infinity War as long as we can.

5. Black Panther

For as much as I obviously liked Infinity War, sometimes the Marvel Cinematic Universe can feel too big. So for a self-contained story like this to debut right beforehand while being the most original and thought-provoking entry in the MCU yet…yeah I’m a big fan. Undoubtedly the movie event of the year, Black Panther deserves all of its hype. Cool and funny with a great cast of characters and maybe the best world building…ever? More of this, please.

4. First Man

I’m not sure how this happened, but Damian Chazelle managed to make the most underrated movie of 2018. I think it was overlooked because it’s not an Apollo 13-style adventure or Americana propaganda, but it’s all the better for it. Instead focusing deeply on the private life of one of our lesser-known American heroes, Ryan Gosling plays a subtle yet strong Neil Armstrong with Claire Foy knocking it out of the park as his wife. The cinematography is a work of art and the score is my favorite of the year. I’m not sure that First Man reaches Chazelle’s heights of Whiplash and La La Land, but it’s definitely not far off.

3. First Reformed

Best performance of Ethan Hawke’s illustrious career? Check. A screenplay with genuinely profound themes and the best dialogue of the year? Check. Gorgeous camera work? Check. An ending that is so surreal that you’ll have no clue what the hell you just watched? Check. To some, First Reformed and its dearth of action might be too slow. But for others like me, this movie is mesmerizing and has been on the mind since the summer.

2. Crazy Rich Asians

About 30 minutes into Crazy Rich Asians, I was surprised by how much fun I was having. But everything that I had come to learn about movies told me that there was no way the fun could last. But then, something happened. The movie got…even better? Seriously, in addition to simply being a blast of a movie, Crazy Rich Asians is absolutely terrific. The characters and the performances are excellent, the screenplay is sharp and hilarious, the production and costume designs are beautiful, the music is perfect…I could keep going. With multiple starmaking performances and the foundation established for sequels, Crazy Rich Asians feels like the start of something huge. And I am HERE for it.

1. Mission: Impossible – Fallout

fallout

Despite all of my glowing words for the previous nine movies, there was only one film in 2018 that will probably go down as an all-timer for me, and that movie is Fallout. One of my personal highlights of 2018 was binging the first five Mission: Impossible movies in anticipation of Fallout, and then having it exceed all of my wildest expectations. Forget the stunts and the action scenes being the best of the franchise. They are some of the best the genre has ever seen. Even the characters are great! Henry Cavill’s August Walker was an excellent addition, and Ilsa Faust continues to be the best non-Ethan character in the franchise. I’m not sure if Fallout is perfect, but it was as close as we got to perfection in 2018.

Just Missed The Cut: Widows, A Quiet Place, Leave No Trace, Searching

FIVE MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIES

I don’t see the appeal in going out of my way to pay for then spend two hours watching a bad movie, so these are definitely not the five absolute worst movies of the year. These are just the five worst movies that were either intriguing in some way or I thought could be good.

5. Borg vs McEnroe

I was really amped about this movie, being a huge tennis fan and someone who thinks Bjorn Borg’s story needs to reach a bigger audience. But Borg vs McEnroe has a ton of problems, starting with its title. Shia LaBeouf plays a good John McEnroe, but he’s in the movie for maybe 15 minutes. It’s all about Borg, which could have been a good thing but they don’t do anything interesting or provide any new information. Between that and the subpar tennis scenes, I couldn’t help but think the entire time how it would have been better as a 30 for 30. Maybe next time actually consult the subjects of the film?

4. Bohemian Rhapsody

I’m trying to decide on the scene that best encapsulates this movie. Is it when Freddie Mercury watches a trucker go into a rest stop bathroom, then all of a sudden he’s gay? Or when his friend sees some white dust on his living room table, then all of a sudden he has a drug problem? Or maybe when Freddie decides the band should go disco, then all of a sudden the “Another One Bites The Dust” bass riff is written? It’s an absolutely preposterous script that takes so many liberties, yet it somehow still manages to be a cookie-cutter take on one of the wildest rock bands ever. An admirable performance from Rami Malek and the impressive Live Aid recreation don’t save this from being one of the dumbest blockbusters in recent memory.

3. Isle of Dogs

The stop-motion animation is cool. I liked the score a lot. That’s where my compliments end. It’s the most painfully Wes Anderson movie in years. The story is quirky in the most boring way and his stupid humor falls completely flat. I honestly wanted to punch him in the face by the end of this movie.

2. Venom

I can’t really remember what convinced me to see Venom, since the reviews were terrible and I thought the trailers looked like garbage. And boy, was I right! This movie did practically nothing well. Tom Hardy gives a truly bizarre performance that I’m still unsure about, and his screen chemistry with Michelle Williams is some of the worst I’ve ever seen. Throw that on top of one of the least compelling villains ever, bad action, and a PG-13 screenplay that tried its hardest to be edgy, and you have this dumpster fire of a film.

1. Sicario: Day of the Soldado

Of all the movies that I saw in 2018, there was only one that I truly resented, and that was Sicario: Day of the Soldado. Sicario is one of my favorite movies of the last decade, and it’s quite possibly the single last movie that I desired a sequel for. All of the tension, emotion, and ambiguity of the original is essentially replaced with, “what if we made the border seem…cooler?” Characters are developed in ways that actually make them far less compelling, the stakes are almost always unclear, and the movie ends with a scene that has the subtext of “we’re going to milk every single cent out of this franchise.” When Denis Villeneuve and Emily Blunt, possibly the hottest director and actor going in Hollywood right now, both pass on your sequel…then maybe don’t make one?

Just Missed The Cut: Ant-Man and the Wasp, Vice

TWENTY BEST PERFORMANCES

20. Ike Barinholtz (Blockers)

Barinholtz rolling up to his daughter’s pre-prom party while standing out of a limo sunroof, holding sparklers, and yelling “Taio Cruz!” was nothing short of movie magic.

19. Melissa McCarthy (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)

Great to see McCarthy finally get a lead role that doesn’t ask her to just do slapstick. (She’s still really funny in this movie.) Hoping to see her get an Oscar nomination.

18. Michelle Yeoh (Crazy Rich Asians)

You’re lying if you say you weren’t terrified of Yeoh in this movie. Even thinking about that mahjong scene makes me nervous. Perfect casting here.

17. Jason Isaacs (The Death of Stalin)

Isaacs doesn’t appear in The Death of Stalin until about an hour into the movie, but he comes in like a wrecking ball. He takes over every scene that he’s a part of.

16. John David Washington (BlacKkKlansman)

I think we can stop calling him “Denzel’s kid” now.

15. Blake Lively (A Simple Favor)

As someone who watched all of Gossip Girl in 2018, I saw a lot of Blake Lively this year. Let’s just say her acting this time around is…much better.

14. Rachel Weisz (The Favourite)

I wasn’t nearly as high on The Favourite as most, but the acting is great across the board. My favorite performance of the bunch was from Weisz, who nails the publicly steely, privately vulnerable act.

13. Tom Cruise (Mission: Impossible – Fallout)

The guy is 56 years old and doing helicopter stunts and jumping out of airplanes from extremely unsafe altitudes. I don’t care that it’s not traditional acting. It’s incredible.

12. Thomasin McKenzie (Leave No Trace)

No one born in the 21^st century has any business being this good at acting already. She’s going to be around for a looooong time.

11. Elizabeth Debicki (Widows)

I didn’t even know Debicki’s name before seeing Widows, and now I want her cast in everything. Definition of a scene-stealer.

10. Lady Gaga (A Star Is Born)

All right, let’s talk about Gaga’s performance, because she’s going to win a trillion awards. Would I give them all to her? Probably not. I think her newness to the screen is evident during some intimate, conversation-driven scenes. But that doesn’t mean that she’s not goddamn amazing in this movie. Her vocal performances are the stuff of icon status. She was already a legend, but this just added to it.

9. Richard E. Grant (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)

We’ve reached the territory of names that I will be actively rooting for at the Oscars. Grant is so insanely good and funny in this movie, and he compliments Melissa McCarthy perfectly. My favorite chemistry of the year.

8. Elsie Fisher (Eighth Grade)

God bless Elsie Fisher for taking on this role. In one of the more awkward movies in recent memory, Fisher doesn’t shy away during the tough scenes and manages to win over everyone in the process. Casting actual young teens to play young teens…actually good!

7. John Cho (Searching)

This movie has such a batshit premise that I don’t even think it works with an average lead performance. But Cho goes so far beyond average that the movie doesn’t only work, but it became one of the year’s best. For a longtime actor who is still perhaps most famous for a character literally named “MILF Guy #2,” I hope Cho gets the recognition he deserves here.

6. Toni Collette (Hereditary)

I wasn’t crazy about Hereditary as a whole, mainly because of how far it goes off the deep end with its ending. So having Colette ranked this high, and as the top lead female performance of the year, should speak to how transcendently good she is in this role. Simply put, it’s one of the best performances ever within the horror genre.

5. Sam Elliott (A Star Is Born)

Elliott is only in a handful of scenes in A Star Is Born, but my god does he make all of them count. In what might be the best pound-for-pound performance of the year, Elliott is devastating as Bradley Cooper’s much older brother. If he wins some hardware during awards season, don’t frame it as a lifetime achievement thing. He deserves everything he gets for this performance.

4. Adam Driver (BlacKkKlansman)

What Driver does in this movie is insane. He’s basically playing two characters: one is a cop who’s trying to take down the local chapter of the KKK while understanding the hardships faced by his African-American partner, and the other is a buffoon who joins that chapter of the Klan. AKA, polar opposites. And not only does Driver make it work, but he’s hilarious in the process without the performance ever feeling insensitive. Even with a Best Supporting Actor class as loaded as this year’s is, Driver stands out.

3. Claire Foy (First Man)

There are a lot of things that make First Man work as well as it does, but nothing more than the dynamic between Ryan Gosling and Foy. As Gosling’s Neil Armstrong remains stoic throughout the movie to an unnerving degree, Foy’s Janet Armstrong slowly breaks down, and it is captivating to watch. From her accent to her delivery, everything about this performance works. Let’s hope the Academy agrees.

2. Bradley Cooper (A Star Is Born)

There’s commitment, and then there’s what Bradley Cooper did for A Star Is Born. He learned and mastered multiple instruments, became a legitimately good singer, nailed that deep drawl, and transformed himself to look like a member of Kings Of Leon after a weeklong bender. And I haven’t even mentioned his acting yet. We always knew he could do that, but his breakdown in rehab scene might be the pinnacle of his career so far. Rami Malek might edge Cooper for awards for a performance where he wore fake teeth and lip-synced to Queen hits. Please don’t do that.

1. Ethan Hawke (First Reformed)

Narrowing this list to twenty performances and ranking 2-20 was tough, but this part was easy. Undoubtedly the top performance of the year, Hawke is this movie. Playing a priest who is in the midst of both a physical and a mental crisis, Hawke claws you in and doesn’t let go. Even though you know that things can’t end well for his character, it never stops being hypnotizing. It’s dumb that Ethan Hawke has never won an Oscar. It will be a crime if he still doesn’t have one after this year.

Just Missed The Cut: Ben Foster (Leave No Trace), Sunny Suljic (Mid90s), Jesse Plemons (Game Night), Olivia Cooke (Thoroughbreds), Lakeith Stanfield (Sorry To Bother You), Armie Hammer (Sorry To Bother You), Josh Hamilton (Eighth Grade), Michael B. Jordan (Creed 2), Emily Blunt (Mary Poppins Returns), Tim Blake Nelson (The Ballad of Buster Scruggs), Na-kel Smith (Mid90s), Hugh Grant (Paddington 2), Ronny Chieng (Crazy Rich Asians), Josh Brolin (Avengers: Infinity War), Jude Law (Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald)

FIVE WORST CHARACTERS

It’s usually tough to separate a performance from a hopeless role, so these are the characters that sucked the most in 2018.

5. i-R0k (T.J. Miller, Ready Player One)

It’s a miracle that Ready Player One turned out as good as it did after spending so long in production hell. But they didn’t completely avoid problems during that time, because T.J. Miller fell out of favor with just about everybody by the time the movie was released. Playing a character who barely serves a purpose beyond comic relief becomes an issue when the actor just isn’t very funny.

4. Rez Gavron (Rafi Gavron, A Star Is Born)

If you are asking yourself who this is, he is Ally’s manager. Not only is this character random and poorly acted, but it’s pretty evident that he only exists to push Jackson Maine to his inevitable conclusion.

3. Topsy (Meryl Streep, Mary Poppins Returns)

Man…I HATED this character. I’m not sure if Meryl inserted herself into the movie or if Disney demanded it, but I figure it has to be something like that because this character’s existence just makes no sense. It’s such an unnecessary ten-minute detour to meet Topsy, who has a stupid accent for some reason and is the center of one of the more forgettable numbers of the movie. If Topsy was in more than one scene, then she probably would have been at the top of this list.

2. Martin Addison (Logan Miller, Love, Simon)

I really liked Love, Simon, but I did have a few problems with the movie, and they basically all regard Martin. He’d probably be on this list just for being so unfunny and cringy, but he ranks second because he also VINDICTIVELY OUTS SIMON AND KINDA TOTALLY GETS AWAY WITH IT. Like, one of the meaner things you can possibly do to a person, and the only consequence was that he got yelled at a little bit.

1. Carlton Drake (Riz Ahmed, Venom)

I’m not sure what’s the worst part about Carlton Drake: the lifeless writing of the character, the bizarre decision to cast Riz Ahmed for it, or Ahmed’s completely unconvincing performance. As uncool and unimposing as a villain can possibly be, it’s fitting that it happened in a Venom movie, because this performance joins Topher Grace’s portrayal of Venom from Spider-Man 3 as one of the worst ever.

Just Missed The Cut: Sonny Burch (Walton Goggins, Ant-Man and the Wasp), Goh Wye Mun (Ken Jeong, Crazy Rich Asians), Eddie Brock (Tom Hardy, Venom), Paul Prenter (Allen Leech, Bohemian Rhapsody), Sawyer Valentini (Claire Foy, Unsane)

TEN BEST SCENES

(SPOILERS AHEAD, OBVIOUSLY)

10. X-Force Takes Flight, Deadpool 2

9. Charlie Leans Out The Window, Hereditary

8. The Ending, Paddington 2

7. The Opening, A Quiet Place

6. The Beach Rescue, Roma

5. The Drive Through The Neighborhood, Widows

4. Thanos Snaps His Fingers, Avengers: Infinity War

3. The Bathroom Fight, Mission: Impossible – Fallout

2. The Moon Landing, First Man

1. “Shallow,” A Star Is Born

(Not the actual scene, but closest I could find.)

Just Missed The Cut: Cash Raps For The Room (Sorry To Bother You), The Race (Ready Player One), The Wedding (Crazy Rich Asians), “BROTHER FUCKER!” (A Simple Favor), Tom Says Goodbye (Leave No Trace), Toller Talks To Michael (First Reformed), Elastigirl Saves The Train (Incredibles 2), “Always Remember Us This Way” (A Star Is Born), Prom Party Arrival (Blockers), Killmonger Robs The Museum (Black Panther), Stevie Goes For The Jump (Mid90s), Thor Arrives On Wakanda (Avengers: Infinity War), The Screaming Bear (Annihilation), Sharing A Pizza (Set It Up), The Pool Party (Eighth Grade), Blaming Beria (The Death Of Stalin), “Can You Imagine That?” (Mary Poppins Returns)

Follow PJ on Twitter @Real_Peej

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Your Preseason Guide to The Bachelor, 2019 Edition

Posted on December 7, 2018November 10, 2022 by PJ Moran

The Bachelor is basically a sport now. There are different seasons, you gather with friends to watch for 2-3 hours, you complain about how many commercials there are, hell – the franchise has its own Adam Schefter in Reality Steve. And while fantasy Bachelor leagues used to be something you’d have to explain to your coworkers, now your coworkers are asking you if you want to be a part of their league. (The answer is NO, Jennifer.)

Thursday marked my favorite Internet day of the year: the public release of the contestants. This year we have 30 (!!!) girls vying for Colton Underwood’s heart and flower. (The guy is a virgin, as I’m sure even your grandparents have heard by now.) ABC used to grace us with questionnaires from each contestant that 90% of the time only told us that they like avocados and Crazy, Stupid, Love, but they were still fun and led us to believe that we knew something about these women before they stepped out of the limo. Now all we get is a tweet-length summary of each contestant and a few words on them directly from the mouth of Chris Harrison. Still, as someone who has been a fan of this franchise for over a decade and a drafter of Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants for years, I’d like to think I have a good sense of who’s a TOTAL CONTENDER and who’s a TOTAL PRETENDER solely based off pictures, ages, and occupations. (Important note: comments will not reflect my personal opinions of these women/women in general. It’s The Bachelor, so it’s about to get really superficial in here.)

I actively avoid spoilers, but all public information is fair game by me. So all we have to work with is the official cast page on ABC’s website, Chris Harrison’s Facebook livestream, and Colton’s appearance on Ellen. That’s it. I’ll go in descending order from who has zero chance of winning the final rose to who I think will get the proposal. (So to clarify, I might think a girl that I rank in the 20’s will advance a few episodes, but she’s ranked there because she won’t win.) Here we go.

the-bachelor-abc-jpo-181206_hpMain_12x5_992

NOT IN THE AGE RANGE

This is the most crucial component of Bachelor drafting. Even more so than looks. (ABC used to tell us height too, which we desperately need back.) With The Bachelorette, anyone older than the girl in power is fair game, so it makes it harder to draft. With The Bachelor, you’re pretty much toast if you’re not between 24-28. But considering that Colton is only 26, we’re going to adjust our scale to 23-27. I’ll allow for the occasional exception to this rule (don’t make me remind you that 36 year-old Arie seriously considered 22 year-old Bekah), but this is pretty much gospel.

30. Elyse, 31, Alaska

elyse

Let me get this straight: Elyse has a negative percent chance of winning. Being 31 on The Bachelor is like being 93 on Hinge. Colton also has an obvious type, and “redheaded Alaskan” ain’t it. But she’s a lock to advance past Night One. Chris Harrison says that she “becomes the mom of the group.” In case I needed to remind you that 31 is ancient in this world.

29. Tracy, 31, Los Angeles

tracy

31 and apparently the center of drama on Night One. AKA, she’s gonna get trashed, sent home, and then bawl her eyes out because she can never find love.

28. Angelique, 28, New Jersey

angelique

The reveal of the contestants via Facebook Live is actually pretty fun, because it allows Chris Harrison to go off script for once. But the downside is that he inadvertently let a few minor details slip. One of them is that Angelique is 99% a goner on Night One.

27. Nina, 30, Raleigh

nina

Nina is 30, originally from Croatia, and “fled the conflict there amidst bullets and bombs.” Colton is 26, from Illinois, and likes puppies. This isn’t going to work out.

26. Heather, 22, California

heather

Heather is going to be a main character this season. Apparently she has never kissed a boy before…you think the producers are going to bludgeon that joke to death or just casually let it go? But Heather will not win. SHE IS TWENTY-TWO YEARS OLD. I can already tell you that my favorite moment of the season will be when a bunch of 23 year-olds lecture Heather about immaturity.

25. Alex B, 29, Vancouver

alex b

In other seasons, Alex B would potentially rank fairly high. But Colton isn’t proposing to someone three years his elder regardless of how much she talks about her dogs.

NOT BASIC ENOUGH

The Bachelor isn’t where we turn to see progressive stuff. There is a pretty clear formula to winning this show that basically boils down to “the cuter, the blonder, the better.” I mean, two of the past three winners were 25 year-old blonde girls named Lauren B who clearly came from wealthy upbringings. Now that’s not to say that brunettes or girls with more originality don’t stand a chance. But considering that half of the contestant pool this year is 23 year-olds from either California or SEC country, let’s just say it’s definitely a benefit if she uses “like” five times per sentence.

24. Revian, 24, California

revian

Despite having a name that rhymes with elitist water, Revian does not meet our criteria.

23. Tahjzuan, 25, Colorado

tahjzuan

Last season there were FOUR contestants named Lauren. Tahjzuan is not winning this show.

22. Kirpa, 26, California

kirpa

Neither is Kirpa.

21. Onyeka, 24, Dallas

onyeka

Nor Onyeka.

20. Alex D, 23, Boston

alex d

This is one area where I’m pretty sure I differ from the majority of Bachelor Nation: I don’t find the fake job titles amusing whatsoever. Fortunately we don’t have as many this year as we usually do, but we still have Alex D who works as a “sloth.” And she dresses up as a sloth on Night One, because apparently the costumed contestant is something we need every season now. (Even though they never do well.) And she’s a Red Sox fan. I will be fervently rooting against Alex D this season.

19. Erika, 25, California

erika

Self-described as “The Nut,” I’m annoyed by Erika already. I’m going to need her sent home ASAP. Note to all blonde Californians going on The Bachelor: you can just not say anything and advance very, very far on this show. Do less, Erika.

18. Courtney, 23, Atlanta

courtney

Every season, we have a contestant who is way too good for this show yet doesn’t make it very far. I’m banking on that being Courtney this go-around. Courtney is an attractive, family-oriented 23 year-old originally from Germany who now runs her own catering business. Trust us, Courtney. When Colton inevitably doesn’t pick you, it will be the biggest blessing in disguise.

17. Laura, 26, Dallas

laura

Black hair?!?! An accountant?!?! Um, are you lost sweetheart?!?!

16. Nicole, 25, Miami

nicole

Chris Harrison made it seem like Nicole is a factor this season, which surprised me. But I’m going to stick to my guns here and declare that Nicole is not basic enough to win The Bachelor. Prediction though: she becomes a superstar in Bachelor in Paradise.

THE VILLAIN

We’ve seen villains win this show and we’ve seen villains only last two episodes. Who knows what her fate will be this time around, but you know that I will be rooting for her.

15. Catherine, 26, Florida

catherine

I am already captivated by Catherine. She’s magnificent. You could tell that she’s going to be the villain of the season just by her headshot, and all of the marketing has already confirmed as much. Chris Harrison said that she probably broke the record for the most “can I steal you’s?” on Night One. And then add in the fact that she’s a DJ FROM FORT LAUDERDALE. This is Jason Mendoza’s dream woman. The Joker. Cruella de Vil. Hannibal Lecter. Regina George. Catherine.

WILD CARDS

These women could either play themselves out of the competition on Night One or they could go on to win it all. Either I can’t get a good read on them, or they’re just plain crazy.

14. Sydney, 27, New York

sydney

The first of the three women who appeared on Ellen that I’ve mentioned so far, Sydney just doesn’t stand out in any way to me. She also completely butchered her pickup line to Colton, which makes it a lot less surprising that she’s never had a boyfriend before. I’d give her crap for quitting her job to finish like twelfth on this show, but she’ll 100% make more money as a Flat Tummy Tea sponsor than as a NBA dancer.

13. Devin, 23, Oregon

devin

Devin seems cool and is definitely hot, but I just don’t see it happening. She’ll probably be the one to bring a football to the mansion and pull the ol’ “no way, I like sports too!”

12. Cassie, 23, California

cassie

I am SO confident that Cassie will be the one to make it pretty far and then the audience simultaneously says to themselves, “wait, has that girl spoken a single word this entire season?”

11. Jane, 26, Los Angeles

jane

More than any other contestant this season, I’m having an impossible time pegging Jane. Her real name is Adrianne but she goes by Jane. That’s like me telling people to call me Daniel. Just can’t trust someone like that.

10. Erin, 28, Texas

erin

Erin has a trillion red flags. She’s 28. Her job title is “Cinderella.” She mentions her love of pumpkin spice lattes in her bio. The only thing is…she’s super hot. I’m not sure what will win out with Colton. (The hotness will, who am I kidding.)

9. Tayshia, 28, California

tayshia

Tayshia also has a lot going against her right out of the gate. She’s 28 too, and a black contestant has never won The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. But considering that she’s gorgeous and possibly the most impressive woman in the group, none of that could matter. Here’s to hoping that this is the season where things change! (It won’t be.)

8. Demi, 23, Texas

demi

RUN AWAY, COLTON! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!! I get some major Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers vibes with Demi. Chris Harrison basically confirmed that she’s totally off the wall. Is she going to be fun to watch? Definitely. Could she advance really far in this show? You bet. Might Colton be afraid of her by the end of the show? Absolutely. “Don’t ever leave me! Because I’d find you!”

CONTENDERS

Any of these women could realistically win the show, and each of them stands a solid chance to make it to Hometown Dates and Fantasy Suites. Where I guess this season they’ll just…watch Netflix and maybe do some hand stuff? God, why couldn’t they have just picked a guy who has had sex before?

7. Hannah B, 23, Alabama

hannah b

Hannah’s entire bio is about Alabama. She’s Miss Alabama 2018, she went to the University of Alabama, she never misses an Alabama football game…you get the point. We’re all going to be diehard Auburn fans by the end of this season because of Hannah B. But she’s 23, hot, and blonde, so she’ll do well.

6. Caitlin, 25, Toronto

caitlin

Chris Harrison didn’t seem too enthused about Caitlin during the livestream, which is odd because she’s stunning, successful, Canadian (they do VERY well in this franchise), and the perfect Bachelor age of 25. I’m going to guess that Chris Harrison was just up to his sneaky old tricks and that Caitlin will make it far. If she doesn’t, well, then she should expect to hear from every male Bachelor fan on Twitter.

5. Katie, 26, California

katie

I promise you that Katie will be on the show for most of the season. The pretty, bubbly, California girl always does well. She came off as really basic but really fun on her Ellen appearance, and Chris Harrison said that she “changes the course of the entire season.” The first “I love you,” perhaps? I’d guess that we get to see Katie’s hometown, but I’d be surprised if she wins due to shitty reasons that I’ve already mentioned.

4. Caelynn, 23, Charlotte

caelynn

Caelynn has the genuinely impressive point on her resume of being the 2018 Miss America runner-up (collect $10 from Community Chest)…which I think has to mean that she beat Hannah B in that competition? Ipso facto, I neeeeeeeeeed that drama. But anyway, she’s really hot and will go really far. If she gets eliminated, then expect one of the “I need a moment, get the cameras away from me” breakups. If she wins, well, then Colton and Caelynn will probably name their kids something like Jax and Paisley.

3. Hannah G, 23, Birmingham

hannah g

Chris Harrison’s worst moment of the livestream happened here, so if you want to go into this season totally blind then you might want to skip to the next contestant. *Gives readers time to scroll* I’m 95% sure he revealed that Hannah G wins the first impression rose. C’mon, Chris! That’s a major prop bet that we’re talking about! Honestly, Hannah G sounds like she kinda sucks. She loves glamping and is a “Content Creator,” which just means that she’s better at picking Instagram filters than I am. But she’s beautiful, and if my first impression rose hypothesis is correct, then history tells us she will advance very far…or win the show.

2. Annie, 23, New York

annie

Annie is my personal favorite, and I’m scared that Colton will feel the same way. She murdered her Ellen appearance, making the best impression of the three girls by a mile. She’s 23 yet successful, and she has both a farm girl and city girl thing going on. If she doesn’t win the show, then she’s a prime Bachelorette candidate. (Yes, I am aware that I’m getting completely ahead of myself.)

THE FAVORITE

My prediction to win the final rose. I don’t have the best record on this subject, but I have a feeling that this is the year!!!

1. Bri, 24, Los Angeles

bri

I mean…scroll through these 30 women and tell me with a straight face that Bri doesn’t stand out. She looks like all of the former Bachelor winners meshed into one person for god’s sake. Models historically don’t do well on this show, but Bri’s bio and Chris Harrison both went out of their way to let us know that Bri is more than just a pretty face! She’s the only contestant who managed to screw up her short bio – she wants us all to know that her biggest dating fear is farting too loudly. That’s such a painfully Jennifer Lawrence thing to say, but at least it tells us that Bri has a personality. We’ll take it, and Colton probably will too.

Follow me on Twitter @Real_Peej as I live tweet all of The Bachelor drama starting Monday, January 7.

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The Washington Capitals Are In The Stanley Cup Finals. I Have Some Thoughts About It.

Posted on May 28, 2018November 10, 2022 by PJ Moran

If you like sports, like me, then you probably know that the Washington Capitals defeated the Tampa Bay Lightning by a score of 4-0 on Wednesday night to advance to the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1998. If you are a Caps fan, like me, then it was one of the highlights of your sports-watching life. And if you know how to read, like me, then you should check out my thoughts on this team, the series, and the upcoming battle against Vegas:

caps trophy

I would kick this off with something to the tune of, “I can’t believe it,” but I actually can. Everything we’ve come to expect about Capitals playoff hockey went out the window with Evgeny Kuznetsov’s series-winning goal against the Penguins. Now THAT was something I couldn’t believe. But I genuinely didn’t even consider the idea that this team would choke on Wednesday night, especially after Game 6 when the Caps stuffed every Lightning player in their lockers, pulled them out just to steal their lunch money, then threw them each in the dumpster. I was telling everyone willing to listen that for the first time seemingly ever since my Capitals fandom launched years ago, I was more excited than nervous for a crucial playoff game. I felt good about pulling out a win. Now, did I expect the Caps to win 4-0? No…but I wasn’t surprised by it.
After the Caps collapsed yet again in the second round as the top seed last year, everyone suggested that maybe they would be better off entering the playoffs as a lower seed. Not only would it lower the pressure, but in all likelihood it would also help them avoid Pittsburgh. Well, the Caps still had to face the Penguins in the second round (albeit a Penguins team with much less depth and motivation), but turns out there is actually something real to the pressure aspect. In years past the Caps would skate tentatively and deliver hits with no regard for defensive assignments or penalties, just because their nervous brains told them that’s how to “set the tone.” But this year the Caps are FLYING and laying the wood in key moments. And just look at the differences in the crowds in the biggest games. Last year’s Game 7 against Pittsburgh notoriously had a funeral vibe, and I didn’t and still don’t blame those fans in attendance for a second. We all knew the team would come out flat, and they somehow managed to not even meet our lowly expectations. They didn’t come remotely close to scoring at any point in the game. But this year the shutout went the other way around in Game 6, in arguably the best postseason performance I’ve ever seen from the Caps. And by all accounts, it was the loudest the arena has ever been. The players and the fans are all feeling the same energy.
With all of that being said, this team doesn’t deserve the underdog label for a second. Just because the Caps didn’t win the Presidents Cup for the third straight year doesn’t mean this team isn’t REALLY good. I mean, they finished with 105 points, won the Metropolitan Division, and landed in a close second in scoring across the league. Yes, a good chunk of the roster throughout the season consisted of rookies, castoffs, and AHL’ers. But this team has essentially the same exact core as the teams who put up two of the best regular seasons in NHL history.
There are a few reasons that the Caps were slept on coming into these playoffs, but none bigger than the rough regular season of Braden Holtby. A two-time All Star and just two years removed from winning the Vezina Trophy, Holtby is safely still one of the best goalies in the league, but he was so bad down the stretch that he temporarily lost the main job to Philipp Grubauer. Now, Grubauer is good and was insanely hot in the final weeks of the season, but that decision in hindsight was truly laughable (even if it fired up Holtby, which was absolutely not the logic behind it regardless of what people say). Holtby didn’t have to do much in Game 6, but pretty much the entire first period of Game 7 took place inside the Caps’ zone, and Holtby turned the Lightning away with relative ease. After posting back-to-back shutouts in the two biggest games of the season, it’s safe to say The Beast is back.
Still, let’s not pretend that Holtby has been the igniter behind this Capitals run. It’s been Alexander Mikhailovich Ovechkin. Ovi has always been a good-to-great postseason player despite the adverse reputation that’s recycled by Twitter Eggs every year, but this year he’s taken it to a level that I didn’t even know existed. He’s second in both goals and points this postseason (and he’s creating more dangerous scoring chances than anyone else…by a mile.) But it’s his intensity and sheer will to win that I’m talking about. You want to talk about setting a tone? He’s either scored or had the primary assist on THREE goals within the first 90 seconds of games in these playoffs. And I can feel the hits he’s been laying from my couch. Allow us to flip the calendar back a year. Ovi had his worst postseason and was noticeably gassed during the Pittsburgh series. Barry Trotz couldn’t even put him on the ice towards the end of third periods, and there was REAL talk on whether the Caps should consider moving on from him. Now? It looks like he’s pulling a Federer with a second prime that no one anticipated. (Yes, he’s buddy-buddy with Vladimir Putin. Why do you ask?) Nobody in that hideous Golden Knights jersey is going to be safe when #8 is on the ice.
A lot of people who are way smarter about hockey than me have already written pieces on how incredible Ovechkin has been, so let’s show a little love here to some other members of the squad. First up…Barry Trotz! Ted Leonsis will never admit it, but I think it’s safe to assume Trotz’s future was toast once the Caps fell behind 2-0 to Columbus. The Grubauer decision immediately backfired, the power play went stagnant, and he was getting toyed with on the lines by John freaking Tortorella. Fast-forward one month and he’s four wins away from becoming the greatest coach in franchise history. In addition to effectively firing up the team for the biggest moments, some specifics that I’ve loved: unleashing Jakub Vrana, moving Chandler Stephenson around in the lineup, and benching Andre Burakovksy for a game.
Evgeny Kuznetsov leads the league in postseason points and scored the biggest goal of the playoffs, yet I find myself yelling “SHOOT THE DAMN PUCK KUZY” at the TV at least five times a game. It is unbelievable how many good looks he creates for himself.
It’s pretty much a lock that the last few years on TJ Oshie’s eight-year deal are gonna be rough on the Caps. But if they actually win it all this year, then the deal is already worth it. Some people might not agree with that assessment, but a deal like that was probably what it took to bring Oshie back. And there is no shot this team makes it this far without him. He’s crushing it on both ends. I think I speak on behalf of all Caps fans when I say we’re comfortable with sucking in 5ish years if we get a ring out of it.
Does anyone’s bookie take in-game bets on faceoffs in the defensive zone? If so, please let me know because I have some money to place on Jay Beagle. He is such money. That dude should never pay for a drink in the District in his life.
Don’t ever leave us, John Carlson. I know some other team is going to offer you a shit ton more money than the Caps can, but you can’t beat that DC traffic and summer humidity right?!?! (He’s a goner, so let’s just hope we can send him off with a Cup. And throw in that Norris Trophy too.)
Two guys who actually played really well in Games 6 and 7…Brooks Orpik and Matt Niskanen! Contracts considered, Orpik is probably the worst player in the league, and Niskanen has regressed badly this season. It’s a dangerous game to expect those two to keep up that level of play, but honestly it’s just a relief to know that they’re both capable of turning back the clock when they need to most.
Some quick thoughts on the Lightning. They could not have reminded me more of the 2015-16 Caps. AKA, it must royally suck being a fan of that team. A laughable amount of talent throughout the roster, an incredible young goalie, household names on the fourth line…and they were still completely overmatched. This series only went seven games because of Tampa’s complete dominance on the power play over the middle games, but on even strength they had the look of a team who all hooked up with each other’s sisters. Just no visible chemistry whatsoever. I know that they’re a veteran team who took hit after hit throughout the series, but I can’t get over how bad their body language was. OH, and all the shit that Ovi took for his “struggles” in the postseason? Steven Stamkos deserves that tenfold. That dude was a total ghost during 5v5 play from Game 1 to 7.
I made the impromptu decision to go into Capital One Arena for Periods 2 and 3 for the viewing party with the game on the Jumbotron, and BOY am I happy that I did. Was it weird that I went alone? No way! Did I high-five and hug strangers? Yes way! (Seriously, I could not recommend this experience highly enough for Caps fans for the away games.)
I love that Ovechkin touched the Prince of Wales Trophy. LOVE IT. I think it’s beyond lame when fans give athletes crap for celebrating before championships. It’s exactly how I feel about baseball teams champagne showering after each round. You survived past a great team! You did something awesome! Fucking celebrate it!
More than half of my brain thought Ovechkin and Backstrom were going to kiss in this moment. Nothing crazy…just a little peck of respect.
As a sports town for the last decade, DC has pretty much been the kid who decides to go on a break with his longtime high school girlfriend (Redskins) once he gets to college just to give it a shot with the hot chick who lives down the hall in the dorm (Caps). But after a few weeks, you realize that you like this new girl more. She allows you to be yourself. You have fun without even trying with her. It makes you realize how unhealthy things were with your ex. She wanted you to go to college with her in Ohio. And now that you think about it, she would yell at waiters and say some pretty racist shit in the backseat of Ubers. So yeah, DC is becoming a primarily hockey town.
I don’t identify as a DC sports fan (especially since I absolutely despise the football team), so I can’t fully bask in this run like faithful Washingtonians can. Still, as a dedicated Caps fan, I expect personalized congratulations messages from each reader. Thank you.
I admittedly don’t watch too much of the NHL regular season outside of the Caps and the Sunday games on NBC, so my knowledge of the Golden Knights doesn’t extend too far past these playoffs and a few articles I’ve read on them. So, I won’t try to provide any sort of breakdown here because it would suck. But what I will say is that I am happy as shit that we drew them. Yes, obviously they are legit considering they made it to the Finals. I know Marc-Andre Fleury is playing the best hockey of his career. But this is still an expansion team. I know the draft rules benefitted them. I know they found diamonds in the rough in William Karlsson and Jonathan Marchessault. I know their home ice might be the best in the league. I know destiny is on their side. Vegas is still an expansion team.
Not much Conn Smythe drama here. It’s Ovechkin vs. Fleury. Let’s hope it goes better for Ovi than this showdown did.
PREDICTION: CAPS IN 5. #ALLCAPS

OTHER

THE OFFICE Episodes Bracket

Posted on March 28, 2018November 10, 2022 by PJ Moran

bracket last time

The Office is my favorite show of all time. And I know that a ton of other people feel the same way, especially since the show’s popularity has grown proportionally with Netflix over the past few years. While some diehards go back and forth over the best character (Michael is the only real answer) or the best season (2 or 3 are both acceptable), the debate that’s probably most up for interpretation is best episode.

There were 201 episodes of The Office filmed over the show’s nine-season run, and in the spirit of March Madness, I trimmed that number down to 64. No rules or guidelines were followed in the seeding – if the episode was one of the Top 64 in the catalog, then it made the cut. So that explains why “The Incentive” or “Trivia,” two of the better episodes from Season 8, didn’t make the cut, but “Ben Franklin,” one of the lesser episodes from Season 3, did make it. I considered Michael’s highlights and lowlights, impact on the greater story arc, and GIF-ability when putting the list together, but when voting feel free to follow your heart…or Michael’s personal philosophy of “don’t ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you’ve been, ever, for any reason whatsoever.”

WINNER

michael and oscar

2. GAY WITCH HUNT

Thanks to everyone who voted! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to rewatch the series for the 497th time.

CHAMPIONSHIP

office finals

1. DIVERSITY DAY vs. 2. GAY WITCH HUNT

A fun piece of trivia about DIVERSITY DAY is that…the episode was webcast on Myspace two weeks prior to airing on NBC as a promotion for the then-upcoming premiere.

A fun piece of trivia about GAY WITCH HUNT is that…the kiss between Michael and Oscar was completely improvised by Steve Carell.

VOTE HERE VOTE HERE VOTE HERE

FINAL 4

office final 4

1. CASINO NIGHT vs. 1. DIVERSITY DAY

Best random Michael quote of CASINO NIGHT is…“Dinkin Flicka” – Michael to Darryl.

Best random Michael quote of DIVERSITY DAY is..“This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.” – Michael to Toby.

2. STRESS RELIEF vs. 2. GAY WITCH HUNT

Best random Michael quote of STRESS RELIEF is…“Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?” – Michael to David Wallace, after David told him that the dummy cost thirty-five hundred dollars.

Best random Michael quote of GAY WITCH HUNT is…”Oh, there’s Gil, Oscar’s roommate. I wonder if he knows.” – Michael to camera, right after Oscar came out of the closet.

VOTE HERE VOTE HERE VOTE HERE

SCRANTON REGION – ELITE 8

scranton 8

1. CASINO NIGHT vs. 3. THE INJURY

Worst part of CASINO NIGHT is…Jim’s “I’m sorry I misinterpreted our friendship” line. This isn’t an actual criticism. Honestly it’s really good writing. It’s just fucking brutal to watch.

Worst part of THE INJURY is…that some people apparently didn’t know the rules of Shotgun in 2006? (1:10). I know that’s a lame pick again, but these two episodes don’t really have flaws.

STAMFORD REGION – ELITE 8

stamford 8

9. BASKETBALL vs. 2. STRESS RELIEF

Worst part of BASKETBALL is…Michael. He’s essentially an unrecognizable character when you go back and watch this episode. The show was still attempting to emulate the British version at this point, so Michael’s character exists under the similar concept of “what if your boss was the biggest asshole in the world?” Don’t get me wrong…the aggressively non-PC version of Michael Scott is still funny. But I significantly prefer the version we grew to know and love, where Michael exists more as an idiot who will go to literally any lengths for approval.

Worst part of STRESS RELIEF is…Jim and Pam watching the bootleg DVD with Andy. This hour-long episode aired directly after the Super Bowl, so they had more time and money to work with. Those extra resources turned into this subplot featuring Jack Black and Jessica Alba, which ended up being way more weird than funny.

NASHUA REGION – ELITE 8

nashua 8

4. THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT vs. 2. GAY WITCH HUNT

Worst part of THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT is…the callback to Jan (0:43). There are some amazing ones to old characters in this episode (shoutout Karen), but Jan’s was underwhelming.

Worst part of GAY WITCH HUNT is…how poorly some of the dialogue has aged. Even though this episode is a classic specifically because of how far it crosses the line, some of Michael’s homophobic slurs to Oscar catch you so off guard nowadays that you can’t believe this episode aired on NBC in 2006.

UTICA REGION – ELITE 8

utica 8

1. DIVERSITY DAY vs. 2. THE DUNDIES

Worst part of DIVERSITY DAY is…Jim. This is a bit of a stretch, especially considering “not a bad day” is probably Jim’s best line of the entire series. But his character was not nearly developed yet. It’s strange to rewatch this episode and see Jim care a lot about work and call a girl “hot” (1:03).

Worst part of THE DUNDIES is…Ping. He ranks near the bottom of my list of Michael’s go-to characters. I feel like this might be a reference to something that’s going completely over my head though? If not, then yeah it’s just a lazy and mildly funny Asian impression.

VOTE HERE VOTE HERE VOTE HERE

SCRANTON REGION – SWEET 16

scranton sweet 16

1. CASINO NIGHT vs. 13. A BENIHANA CHRISTMAS

Episode MVP of CASINO NIGHT is…Jim…for finally professing his love to Pam, obviously. But less obviously, for co-discovering Kevin’s band, Scrantonicity.

Episode MVPs of A BENIHANA CHRISTMAS are…Pam and Karen…for having more people show up to their Christmas party.

3. THE INJURY vs. 2. BEACH GAMES

Episode MVP of THE INJURY is…Dwight…for being nice to Pam and for dropping an A+ “that’s what she said” in front of Michael (3:28).

Episode MVP of BEACH GAMES is…Pam…for doing the coal walk, calling out the office for treating her like shit, and telling the truth to Jim. Huge episode for Pam.

STAMFORD REGION – SWEET 16

stamford sweet 16

9. BASKETBALL vs. 5. FINALE

Episode MVP of BASKETBALL is…Jim…for actually being really good at basketball.

Episode MVP of FINALE is…Dwight…for burying the hatchet with Kevin, reuniting with Michael, and marrying Angela.

6. THE FIRE vs. 2. STRESS RELIEF

Episode MVP of THE FIRE is…Michael…for being the first one out of the building.

Episode MVP of STRESS RELIEF is…Dwight…for somehow not getting fired.

NASHUA REGION – SWEET 16

nashua sweet 16

1. DINNER PARTY vs. 4. THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT

Episode MVP of DINNER PARTY is…Jan’s assistant, Hunter…for gracing us with “That One Night.”

Episode MVP of THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT is…Michael…for finally finishing his passion project, even if he realizes that it actually sucks.

3. GOODBYE, MICHAEL vs. 2. GAY WITCH HUNT

Episode MVP of GOODBYE, MICHAEL is…Michael…for giving meaningful goodbye gifts to everyone, besides Oscar.

Episode MVP of GAY WITCH HUNT is…Oscar…for getting three months paid vacation and use of a company car to not sue Dunder Mifflin for Michael outing him.

UTICA REGION – SWEET 16

utica sweet 16

1. DIVERSITY DAY vs. 13. GOODBYE, TOBY

Episode MVP of DIVERSITY DAY is…Kelly…for slapping Michael for his terrible Indian accent.

Episode MVP of GOODBYE, TOBY is…Phyllis…for gaining the upper hand on Angela after she catches her hooking up with Dwight.

14. DRUG TESTING vs. 2. THE DUNDIES

Episode MVP of DRUG TESTING is…Creed…for acing Dwight’s drug test.

Episode MVP of THE DUNDIES is…Ryan…for winning the “Hottest in the Office” Dundie.

VOTE HERE VOTE HERE VOTE HERE

SCRANTON REGION – ROUND OF 32

scranton 2

1. CASINO NIGHT vs. 8. THE NEGOTIATION

CASINO NIGHT…also known for: “Why are you the way that you are?”

THE NEGOTIATION…also known for: Roy attacking Jim.

5. OFFICE OLYMPICS vs. 13. A BENIHANA CHRISTMAS

OFFICE OLYMPICS…also known for: Michael asking Ryan to come into work early just to bring him breakfast.

A BENIHANA CHRISTMAS…also known for: Dwight’s Christmas miracle.

11. PHYLLIS’ WEDDING vs. 3. THE INJURY

PHYLLIS’ WEDDING…also known for: Jim conditioning Dwight with Altoids.

THE INJURY…also known for: Dwight’s concussion.

10. GOSSIP vs. 2. BEACH GAMES

GOSSIP…also known for: Michael telling everyone about Stanley’s affair.

BEACH GAMES…also known for: Team Voldemort.

STAMFORD REGION – ROUND OF 32

stamford 2

1. BOOZE CRUISE vs. 9. BASKETBALL

BOOZE CRUISE…also known for: Michael’s motivational dancing.

BASKETBALL…also known for: Phyllis requesting to cheerlead.

5. FINALE vs. 4. SCOTT’S TOTS

FINALE…also known for: “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”

SCOTT’S TOTS…also known for: “Andy sowwy.”

6. THE FIRE vs. 3. SAFETY TRAINING

THE FIRE…also known for: Who would you do?

SAFETY TRAINING…also known for: “Hey Darryl, how’s it hanging?”

7. NIAGARA vs. 2. STRESS RELIEF

NIAGARA…also known for: Andy tearing his scrotum.

STRESS RELIEF…also known for: The Roast of Michael Scott.

NASHUA REGION – ROUND OF 32

nashua 2

1. DINNER PARTY vs. 8. THE JOB

DINNER PARTY…also known for: “SNIP SNAP, SNIP SNAP, SNIP SNAP!”

THE JOB…also known for: Jan’s boob job.

12. THE MERGER vs. 4. THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT

THE MERGER…also known for: Michael trying to push Tony Gardner onto the table.

THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT…also known for: Goldenface.

6. THE CONVICT vs. 3. GOODBYE, MICHAEL

THE CONVICT…also known for: Andy hitting on Pam.

GOODBYE, MICHAEL…also known for: Michael and Jim’s goodbye.

10. TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY vs. 2. GAY WITCH HUNT

TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY…also known for: Little Kid Lover.

GAY WITCH HUNT…also known for: Gaydar.

UTICA REGION – ROUND OF 32

utica 2

1. DIVERSITY DAY vs. 9. FUN RUN

DIVERSITY DAY…also known for: Pam falling asleep on Jim’s shoulder.

FUN RUN…also known for: Michael’s carbo-loading.

5. THE CONVENTION vs. 13. GOODBYE, TOBY

THE CONVENTION…also known for: Michael’s hotel room party.

GOODBYE, TOBY…also known for: Michael giving Toby a rock as his going-away present.

6. COCKTAILS vs. 14. DRUG TESTING

COCKTAILS…also known for: Pam and Roy breaking up for good.

DRUG TESTING…also known for: “You look like you want to tell me something.”

7. INITIATION vs. 2. THE DUNDIES

INITIATION…also known for: Dwight ditching Ryan.

THE DUNDIES…also known for: “BEST. DUNDIES. EVER.”

VOTE HERE VOTE HERE VOTE HERE

SCRANTON REGION – ROUND OF 64

Scranton Region

CASINO NIGHT (S2/E22) vs. 16. HAPPY HOUR (S6/E21)

CASINO NIGHT…best known for: Jim finally making his move.

HAPPY HOUR…best known for: Date Mike.

THE NEGOTIATION (S3/E19) vs. 9. THE CLIENT (S2/E7)

THE NEGOTIATION…best known for: Michael accidentally cross-dressing.

THE CLIENT…best known for: Michael holding the business meeting at Chili’s.

OFFICE OLYMPICS (S2/E3) vs. 12. THE RETURN (S3/E14)

OFFICE OLYMPICS…best known for: Phyllis beating Kevin by a nose in Flonkerton.

THE RETURN…best known for: Andy punching a hole through the wall.

CHRISTMAS PARTY (S2/E10) vs. 13. A BENIHANA CHRISTMAS (S3/E10-11)

CHRISTMAS PARTY…best known for: Yankee Swap.

A BENIHANA CHRISTMAS…best known for: Michael’s “Bros Before Hoes” speech.

MURDER (S6/E10) vs. 11. PHYLLIS’ WEDDING (S3/E16)

MURDER…best known for: The standoff at the end of the episode. (Also Tube City.)

PHYLLIS’ WEDDING…best known for: “This is bullshit.” (Also Kelly’s emergency.)

THE INJURY (S2/E12) vs. 14. LOCAL AD (S4/E9)

THE INJURY…best known for: “I burned my foot.”

LOCAL AD…best known for: Andy forgetting the Kit Kat slogan.

VALENTINE’S DAY (S2/E16) vs. 10. GOSSIP (S6/E1)

VALENTINE’S DAY…best known for: “The Faces of Scranton.”

GOSSIP…best known for: Parkour PARKOUR!

BEACH GAMES (S3/E23) vs. 15. MICHAEL SCOTT PAPER COMPANY (S5/E23)

BEACH GAMES…best known for: Pam’s confession to Jim.

MICHAEL SCOTT PAPER COMPANY…best known for: Pam making her first sale.

STAMFORD REGION – ROUND OF 64

stamford region

BOOZE CRUISE (S2/E11) vs. MICHAEL’S LAST DUNDIES (S7/E21)

BOOZE CRUISE…best known for: Michael’s advice to Jim.

MICHAEL’S LAST DUNDIES…best known for: “9,986,000 Minutes.”

WEIGHT LOSS (S5/E1-2) vs. 9. BASKETBALL (S1/E5)

WEIGHT LOSS…best known for: Jim’s proposal to Pam.

BASKETBALL…best known for: “Secret Weapon” Stanley.

FINALE (S9/E24-25) vs. 12. BRANCH WARS (S4/E10)

FINALE…best known for: Michael’s return.

BRANCH WARS…best known for: This incredibly awkward conversation between Jim and Karen.

SCOTT’S TOTS (S6/E12) vs. 13. BEN FRANKLIN (S3/E15)

SCOTT’S TOTS…best known for: Being the most polarizing episode of the show.

BEN FRANKLIN…best known for: Dwight’s interrogation of the Ben Franklin impersonator.

THE FIRE (S2/E4) vs. 11. SEXUAL HARRASSMENT (S2/E2)

THE FIRE…best known for: “RYAN STARTED THE FIRE!”

SEXUAL HARASSMENT…best known for: The debut of Todd Packer.

SAFETY TRAINING (S3/E20) vs. 14. THE DUEL (S5/E12)

SAFETY TRAINING…best known for: The stress of Michael’s modern office causing him to go into depression.

THE DUEL…best known for: Andy using his Prius as a weapon.

NIAGARA (S6/E4-5) vs. 10. DIWALI (S3/E6)

NIAGARA…best known for: Jim and Pam’s wedding.

DIWALI…best known for: Michael proposing to Carol.

STRESS RELIEF (S5/E14-15) vs. 15. PDA (S7/E16)

STRESS RELIEF…best known for: The fire drill gone wrong. And the CPR demonstration gone wrong.

PDA…best known for: Kevin enjoying Michael and Holly’s PDA.

NASHUA REGION – ROUND OF 64

Nashua Region

DINNER PARTY (S4/E13) vs. 16. CASUAL FRIDAY (S5/E26)

DINNER PARTY…best known for: Jan breaking Michael’s flat screen TV.

CASUAL FRIDAY…best known for: Kevin’s Famous Chili.

THE JOB (S3/E24-25) vs. 9. MICHAEL’S BIRTHDAY (S3/E19)

THE JOB…best known for: Jim asking Pam out.

MICHAEL’S BIRTHDAY…best known for: Michael’s birthday call to Jan.

CAFÉ DISCO (S5/E27) vs. 12. THE MERGER (S3/E8)

CAFÉ DISCO…best known for: Michael’s dancing.

THE MERGER…best known for: “Lazy Scranton.”

THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT (S7/E17) vs. 13. CHAIR MODEL (S4/E14)

THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT…best known for: “The Scarn.”

CHAIR MODEL…best known for: Phyllis trying to set up Michael with her friend.

THE CONVICT (S3/E9) vs. 11. FRAME TOBY (S5/E9)

THE CONVICT…best known for: Prison Mike.

FRAME TOBY…best known for: Michael’s reaction to Toby’s return.

GOODBYE, MICHAEL (S7/E22) vs. 14. MONEY (S4/E7-8)

GOODBYE, MICHAEL…best known for: Being the episode that should have been the series finale.

MONEY…best known for: “I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!!!”

PRODUCT RECALL (S3/E21) vs. 10. TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY (S2/E18)

PRODUCT RECALL…best known for: Jim impersonating Dwight.

TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY…best known for: Stanley yelling at Ryan.

GAY WITCH HUNT (S3/E1) vs. 15. HEALTH CARE (S1/E3)

GAY WITCH HUNT…best known for: Michael kissing Oscar.

HEALTH CARE…best known for: Dwight’s health care investigation.

UTICA REGION – ROUND OF 64

utica region

DIVERSITY DAY (S1/E2) vs. 16. DID I STUTTER? (S4/E16)

DIVERSITY DAY…best known for: The index card game.

DID I STUTTER?…best known for: Stanley erupting at Michael.

BACK FROM VACATION (S3/E12) vs. 9. FUN RUN (S4/E1-2)

BACK FROM VACATION…best known for: The topless photo of Jan.

FUN RUN…best known for: Michael hitting Meredith with his car.

THE CONVENTION (S3/E2) vs. 12. GARAGE SALE (S7/E19)

THE CONVENTION…best known for: “I hope it’s urine.”

GARAGE SALE…best known for: Michael proposing to Holly.

BUSINESS SCHOOL (S3/E17) vs. 13. GOODBYE, TOBY (S4/E18-19)

BUSINESS SCHOOL…best known for: Michael showing up to Pam’s art show.

GOODBYE, TOBY…best known for: Holly thinking Kevin is mentally challenged.

COCKTAILS (S3/E18) vs. 11. TRAVELING SALESMEN (S3/E13)

COCKTAILS…best known for: Dwight inspecting David Wallace’s house.

TRAVELING SALESMEN…best known for: Ryan taking the lead on the sales pitch.

THE DEPOSITION (S4/E12) vs. 14. DRUG TESTING (S2/E20)

THE DEPOSITION…best known for: Michael pushing Toby’s tray.

DRUG TESTING…best known for: Jim convincing Dwight that he smoked the joint.

INITATION (S3/E5) vs. 10. BROKE (S5/E25)

INITIATION…best known for: Pretzel Day.

BROKE…best known for: “Well, well, well…how the turntables…”

THE DUNDIES (S2/E1) vs. 15. COMPANY PICNIC (S5/E28)

THE DUNDIES…best known for: Pam’s acceptance speech.

COMPANY PICNIC…best known for: Jim and Pam realizing she’s pregnant.

VOTE HERE VOTE HERE VOTE HERE

OTHER

Should We Be Excited For WESTWORLD Season 2?

Posted on March 13, 2018November 10, 2022 by Alex Garcia

Westworld 2

I suppose now that my HBOGo has temporarily stopped working in the middle of my Westworld rewatch, it’s as good a time as any to write this up. HBO flexed on us all and dropped their Season 2 trailer during the Super Bowl. Twitter caught fire, Facebook caught fire, even Neopet Island is probably burning (RIPinpeace). We were afforded a quick break from the 24-hour news cycle based around the geopolitical landscape that has purposefully bastardized itself into pop-entertainment and created a distrusting, uninformed public. BUT, I’ll give that rant another time, it’s all very disconcerting.

Getting back on track…the large majority seems super pumped for the show to return, though not all were jazzed about the trailer itself. So, Westworld Season 2, let’s talk about it.

Right off the bat, let’s just discuss how crazy this is. I have invented a brand new type of blog post, addressing whether or not to be excited for something new. Instead of taking a paycheck for it I will be receiving 20% off the back end. Now putting my finances and incredible inventions aside, hear my words, children.

Westworld is a complicated subject for me. On our old podcast, I proclaimed that it would win the Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series. And ultimately, I was uhhhhh…wrong. Which I completely understand, because my biggest takeaway after Season 1 was a huge feeling of disappointment. The trailers for the first season were jaw dropping, I was so incredibly excited for it. The involvement of Jonathan Nolan, the variety of big screen actors, the promise of gunslingers and whores, what could be better?

But like I said, I was disappointed. V disappointed. V V disappointed, if I’m being completely honest with myself. I thought this was going to be the series of the year, if not the decade. I thought that HBO had seamlessly created their next big hit in preparation for the post-Game Of Thrones world. Well, all of that expectation played a major part in my final opinions of the show. I hopped aboard the hype train and when it didn’t deliver what I was looking for I was quick to write it off. Westworld is not as bad as I thought immediately following the season, but I’m going to walk you through some of the very real problems it has.

My most minimal complaint: the NOLAN-STYLE EXPOSITION DUMPS. The world within the show that they present to us has so many profound differences from ours; they need to establish the rules as soon as possible to help us enjoy it. Upon rewatching, however, these exposition dumps are GLARING. If you’ve never noticed that Chris and John Nolan favor pretty overt exposition scenes in their films, you won’t be able to unsee it now. A confused character, an outsider, a new guy: they all represent the viewer and get to ask the questions that the viewer would ask. The wiser character onscreen explains the rules of the universe and voila! We get to kick back and enjoy it from that point forward. They shell out massive details about backstory and plot just so we can catch up.

With Westworld specifically this creates a larger problem. This show is like a parfait, there are a ton of layers. With each layer comes different rules, different backstory, and different intrigue that needs to be set up. For example, we get exposition about the real world, and then about the people in the real world. We get a shit ton of exposition about the park, and then hosts within the park. Then we start getting exposition from and about the humans within the park. And this goes on and on for the first few episodes and serves as pretty ineffectual storytelling. This technique might work for a 2-hour feature film but it really sucks you out of a TV show, especially when it’s right out of the gate.

A bigger issue: THE STORY IS KINDA FUCKING DUMB. Don’t get me wrong, certain elements are fascinating. Machines on the quest for awareness and intelligence, great. There’s a lot of meat in that. But following the least attractive Hemsworth (maybe he’s the friendliest, idk) brother as he apprehensively walks around the park and then literally disappears while no one addresses the head of security vanishing — kinda fucking dumb, dude! How about the story arc of Lee Sizemore? Oh, you don’t know who Lee Sizemore is? Obviously that’s the sign of a great character within a great story! Lee Sizemore was the angry little developer that was trying to head a coup and overthrow Ford. Do you remember where his plot line ends? Me neither! And it’s upsetting because this wasn’t sleight of hand. They weren’t drawing our eyes to one side while having the real story creep up from the other. They were attempting to thicken the world but it ultimately meant so little.

And Sylvester and Lutz (the two scientists that give Maeve way too much leeway which results in mass human murder and possible total robot overthrow and genocide) make a series of the dumbest possible decisions in the realm of character. The story needs to get to its final destination though, so someone has to make these dumb decisions. The story, in its current form, NECESSITATES stupid/unlikeable characters. Maybe it’s a commentary on human hubris? Except eh, because it is a story about human hubris, just not in that way. We created our own replacements, we can’t fathom intelligence rising and surpassing us, what does it mean to truly be alive? All great questions, but tech specialists not resetting a host once she has the ability to murder humans? Blahhhh.

While John Nolan’s contributions to “Christopher Nolan” films go largely unappreciated by most people, his work is usually great. But if you think that stories like the one found in Inception are brilliant and everyone who doesn’t appreciate them are just idiots, then I wouldn’t be surprised if this is your favorite show. Inception is far superior to Westworld, but each is pretty heady in its own way. Westworld is complicated like a maze, okay yeah like a maze. Except this maze also has fire shooting from the walls, kind of a hat on a hat.

Now we’re entering the most important spoiler territory: the BIG twist of the season. It turns out that we’re watching multiple timelines and that William is the Man In Black. I did not think this was executed well. In this media age, people sniffed it out from the first episode. I was mostly onboard the denial train, because this wasn’t a clean getaway. There are mistakes in the timelines, some that can’t be explained away by “employees are hosts.” Two general rules for a good twist: you have to make a clean getaway because people can rewatch whenever and look for your mistakes, and you have to provide such a strong story that even the most discerning of people don’t look for twist — because they’re so enraptured in the story that you put in front of them. The latter is the trick.

HBO seems to favor the “big twist” ending to shows. When that’s your m.o. you need to come up with new and inventive takes. The best way to do that seems to be, hire me to write your movie and give me the life I deserve. That’s just a fact. That’s completely without bias.

If Westworld is your favorite show, cool. I’m not going to take anything away from you, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I want every show, every movie, to be great. I just can’t be complicit in pretending that this show is objectively great. It is good. The production value is off the charts, and the fact that they could pull it off as well as they did was an amazing achievement. I’m just spoiled and expected more.

To answer the initial question: “should we be excited for Season 2?” Plain and simp — yes. Watching it for the second time, it’s much easier to take a step back from criticism and enjoy the ride. It’s an impressive technical feat with strong performances and fascinating themes. I’ll enter Season 2 with tempered expectations and go with the flow. Get your milk ready for April 22nd.

Oh…and the THEME! The music on this show is perfect.

OTHER

Arie Was A Good Bachelor

Posted on March 9, 2018November 10, 2022 by PJ Moran

Arie 2

THE MOST DRAMATIC HEADLINE IN BACHELOR HISTORY RIGHT THERE FOLKS. Ok, so maybe that’s an overexaggeration, but it’s definitely not an opinion shared by most of the fellow citizens of Bachelor Nation. Arie Luyendyk Jr., the 21^st Bachelor in the history of this beautiful franchise, has been getting absolutely crucified by fans over the past few days in a way that none of his predecessors had been following the conclusions of their seasons. And it’s not totally unjustified Internet rage. In case you’ve spent the past 72 hours living under a Twitter rock, or a Twock (don’t use that), then allow me to catch you up to speed. By the finale, Arie had professed his love for the final two contestants: Becca Kufrin, the likable and “ready for marriage” option, and Lauren Burnham, the hottest option from Day 1 who just so happens to have zero original thoughts. Determined to follow the rules of the show and propose by the end of the season, Arie surprised most fans by choosing the safe route and popping the question to Becca. She instantaneously said yes, and we soon learned that they were happily engaged for about two months following the proposal….or at least it seemed that way to Becca. Arie was internally agonizing over his decision. After a private conversation with Lauren, Arie decided to give it a shot with her before it was too late. And here’s the kicker…HE ALSO ALLOWED THE CAMERAS TO CAPTURE THE ENTIRE BREAKUP WITH BECCA.

I’m not kidding when I say it was one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever watched on television. It lasted about an hour, even though Becca told Arie to leave around the five-minute mark. It nearly broke social media, with people sending threats to Arie and Chris Harrison for allowing it to unfold before our eyes. But not me. I want to personally thank both of them. BECAUSE THIS IS THE BACHELOR WE’RE TALKING ABOUT. THIS IS WHY WE WATCH. Go watch 60 Minutes or some shit if you’re preoccupied about being a good person. It was drama and entertainment in its purest form. (And, for the record, Becca is doing just fine.) Which, at the end of the day, isn’t that the reason we tune in in the first place?

That’s a good question, PJ. Entertainment value is definitely one of the methods we should use to measure Bachelors and their seasons, but it isn’t the only one. Everyone has their own standards for grading these suitors, but here are the core four that I consider:

Was he qualified to be the Bachelor?

This takes into account his job, his history within the franchise, and whether or not he is handsome enough to carry the torch. Basically, does he deserve this honor?

Was he serious about being the Bachelor?

This show is infinitely more interesting when the protagonist is genuinely looking for a wife. It sets up way more drama, because these people are all terrible actors and it’s obvious when they are just pretending to go along with the narrative. Take that bullshit to Bachelor in Paradise.

Was he a good guy?

This is a tough one. Ideally we want our Bachelor to be someone worth rooting for, but you have to balance that against the risk of a boring season. Some of the best Bachelors in the show’s history were dickheads. But with that being said, there’s no way to spin misogyny, verbal abuse, or general disrespect as a good thing.

Finally and most importantly, did he anchor an entertaining season?

Once again…it’s the reason we watch.

So now that we know the ground rules, let’s put Arie to the test. We’ll stack him up against each of the five Bachelors who predated him, going back to Sean Lowe because that’s just about when social media took this show to another level. (It’s also when I started paying attention again.) GET YOUR ROSES READY.

Was Arie qualified to be the Bachelor?

Best Recent Example: It’s probably Arie.

Worst Recent Example: Nick Viall

You have to go pretty far back into the archives to find a hard yes to this question. Among our most recent Bachelors are a 27 year-old software salesman, a farmer from Iowa, and a man who struggled with the English language. And we were also fresh off the season of Nick Viall, a debatably good-looking Salesforce employee who had already been through THREE difference chances at love within the franchise. So yes, Arie was a good choice to have the title bestowed upon him. The initial feedback wasn’t exactly positive, but that wasn’t because people were upset with the decision. We were just completely thrown off. It had been over five years since he finished as the runner-up on Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette, and EVERYBODY was expecting Peter Kraus from Rachel Lindsay’s season. But in hindsight, the producers made the right call. I like Peter, but he was pretty boring and only lost because he was openly critical of the expedited nature of the show. Not sure if that’s the guy you want with the power. As for Arie, he was well liked despite his weird “kissing bandit” reputation, and professional racecar driver is elite when it comes to Bachelor occupations (even if he sucked at it).

Verdict: Absolutely.

Was Arie serious about being the Bachelor?

Best Recent Example: Sean Lowe

Worst Recent Example: Juan Pablo Galavis

We’ve seen both extremes of the spectrum on this one lately. At the “yes” end, you have Sean Lowe, who respected the process and is still happily married to the winner of his season. Right behind him is Ben Higgins, who broke the rules by telling two women that he loves them but also still seems genuinely distraught over his broken engagement with (Real) Lauren B. On the far other end is Juan Pablo, who was clearly there to hook up (shoutout the ocean sex with Clare) and dismissed all of the girls telling him that he doesn’t deserve love with his trademark “ees ok.” And Nick Viall isn’t far behind him, because it didn’t take long to realize that he was way more into the status of being the Bachelor than actually finding a wife. Arie is somewhere in between all of these guys. He too told two women that he loves them, and opting to have the cameras rolling for his post-show breakup proved that he had a pretty major taste for drama. Keeping around a 22 year-old for the majority of the show also raised a red flag. Still, I’m giving Arie the benefit of the doubt here. He sent home women as soon as he didn’t see a future with them (for the most part), and he handed out multiple one-on-one dates to the women he was clearly the most interested in. Oh yeah, and his proposal to (Fake) Lauren B tells us that he didn’t back out of his initial engagement just for entertainment purposes.

Verdict: Not the most serious, but yes he cared.

Was Arie a good guy?

Best Recent Example: Ben Higgins

Worst Example: Juan Pablo Galavis

I’m not gonna try too hard to sugarcoat this: the answer is no. Even though he was on his best behavior for the first 10 episodes of the season, Arie undid all of it and more with his performance in the finale. It was seriously that bad. I know I’ve already covered it, but the way he went about the breakup with Becca was just so, so bad. Pretty much every former Bachelor and Bachelorette validated that he had the option not to do it in front of the cameras too. But that’s not even what concerned me the most about it. How about Arie just turning into an emotionless sociopath out of nowhere in the moment where he needed more empathy than ever? I’m still so confused what happened to him in that moment. He said his feelings towards Becca changed when they were “hanging out”…dude you were ENGAGED for two months. Or how about when Becca was emptying her tear ducts in the bathroom about a half hour post-breakup when Arie had the audacity to ask her “are you ok?” I get that this was an extremely tough moment for him to compassionately execute, but it seems pretty indicative of his true character that he seemed so slightly concerned about the news that he was breaking to Becca.

Even with all of that though, I don’t really think Arie is a bad guy deep down. He’ll deservedly have a dark shadow cast over his season forever, but he came off as a nice guy for most of it. He handled his first 28 breakups well, and all of the women in the mansion seemed to genuinely like him. He was totally respectable to each of the four families that he met with, and he didn’t start any controversy whatsoever before the finale. Yeah I know…it all comes down to the Becca breakup. But for what it’s worth, he wasn’t the first Bachelor to change his mind. And he actually handled it better than the first guy, Jason Mesnick, who broke up with his then-fiance across the couch from Chris Harrison during After The Final Rose. (For the record, Jason absolutely made the right decision. 15 year-old PJ was absolutely in love with Molly, and Jason is still married to her.) Arie probably doesn’t deserve this consolation prize either, but there have been recent Bachelors with objectively worse temperaments too. I already covered Juan Pablo, Nick was a narcissistic asshole, and just take a quick look at Jake Pavelka if you wanna go back a little farther. I mean, I’m not even sure they’d be allowed to air this kind of behavior anymore. So while Arie wasn’t even the worst we’ve seen in the past few years, all of your “Arie is literally all guys in 2018 #fuccboi” tweets were fair game.

Verdict: No, but his douchebaggery is getting overblown.

Did Arie anchor an entertaining season?

Best Recent Example: Juan Pablo Galavis

Worst Recent Example: Chris Soules

I’ve already said it: some of the most entertaining Bachelors in history were some of the worst at it. Looking right at you, Juan Pablo. And some of the nicest guys to ever have the platform, like Ben Higgins and especially Chris Soules, ended up on the boring side of things. As for Arie, his season was pretty entertaining, even before the finale. Yes, part of that is probably due to the fact that we were coming off a series low point with Nick’s season, but Arie deserves props for bringing the show back to its roots. He maintained control throughout while keeping around contestants for almost always the proper amount of time. We’ve seen villains last too short and too long in recent years, but Arie entertained the idea of Kyrstal for just about the perfect length. He was articulate, blunt when he needed to be, had a solid sense of humor, and brought along the finest wink game the show has ever seen. And this is a guy who brought a taxidermist to the fantasy suite…he kept it interesting.

Don’t get me wrong…Arie had his drawbacks. It’s been years since we’ve had a cringier Bachelor. I wanted to die whenever he whispered or opened the door with “hiiiii” or asked a girl in the highest octave voice “what’s wrooooong?” And sure, he loses some points for ending up with a girl that 0.1% of viewers were hoping that he’d end up with. But let’s not act like the finale goes in the cons column for this category. In fact, it’s the biggest pro. It was the most purely entertaining Bachelor moment…maybe ever? And this franchise NEEDED it. I know the show isn’t in danger or anything, but I’m pretty confident that it had slipped over the past few years and that the producers knew it. I personally know a ton of fans that dropped out after Nick and Rachel’s shitty seasons, so when you extrapolate that it’s likely way more fans were lost than gained. I don’t have the numbers to back that up, but I think I’m right considering the show decided to run a spinoff AGAINST ITSELF near the peak of this season. None of that will be the case for the near future. The show is back in a big way, and it has Arie to thank for that.

Verdict: Without a doubt.

So with positive grades in three of the four qualifying categories, Arie checks out as a strong Bachelor. Definitely not perfect, but fans should remember him fondly. I thank him for his contributions.

If you were wondering, here’s how I rank the Bachelors discussed above:

Sean Lowe
Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Ben Higgins
Juan Pablo Galavis
Chris Soules
Nick Viall

OTHER

Should, Could, Will, and Where: The 2018 Oscars

Posted on March 4, 2018November 10, 2022 by PJ Moran

Oscars season, baby! Before the big show tonight, Connor Stambaugh and I are here to break down everything we want to happen and everything that actually will happen.

Moonlight

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: Call Me By Your Name, The Disaster Artist, Logan, Molly’s Game, Mudbound

Should Win – Call Me By Your Name

Could Win – Logan, if they decided to hold the voting at Comic-Con.

Will Win – Call Me By Your Name

Where Is…Stronger?

Talk about an eclectic crop for this category this year. A movie from the Pineapple Express guys, a comic book movie, a movie that went mostly unseen (including by me), a Netflix movie…and then there’s Call Me By Your Name. Despite being a boldly and proudly gay movie, the screenplay is pretty straightforward and doesn’t feature much drama or tension. Still, it’s beautifully written and features one of best scenes of the year: the monologue delivered from Michael Stuhlbarg. Get your peaches ready, people. As for Stronger, I had pretty low expectations going into it, just because I generally dislike the “let’s make a movie about this tragedy that just happened” movies. But it is excellent. I think most of us expected this movie to mainly focus on the bombing itself or Jeff Bauman’s physical struggle in learning to walk again, but it smartly centers the drama on the psychological toll taken on heroes who unwillingly become heroes.

Connor

Should Win – Call Me By Your Name

Could Win: Absolutely nobody else.

Will Win – Call Me By Your Name

Where Is…seriously why was anyone else even nominated?

See it and fucking TRY to tell me otherwise.

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: The Big Sick, Get Out, Lady Bird, The Shape of Water, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Connor

Should Win – Lady Bird

Could Win – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Will Win – Get Out

Where Is…Colossal?

This is an absolute beast of a category and a case could be made for each of the contenders. I am going with my gut here and predicting Get Out for the win. If The Shape of Water takes Best Picture, and Three Billboards takes the two acting statues, this *has* to go to Peele, right? Right?!?! If it doesn’t win here, Get Out will go home empty-handed and will singlehandedly break Twitter. I’m throwing Colossal with Anne Hathaway into the mix too because it has a ton on its mind and explores those ideas in fascinating ways. And just keep reading if you want an idea of how phenomenal I think Lady Bird is.

Should Win – Get Out

Could Win – Lady Bird

Will Win – Get Out

Where Is…Phantom Thread?

This is annually my favorite category, because it’s where the most original movies get recognized since the Academy is usually too afraid to put them in the Best Picture class. That’s the case once again with The Big Sick, but they actually decided to give major props to two of the other coolest movies of the year: Get Out and Lady Bird. I’m fairly sure Get Out will actually win, for two reasons. First, because it fucking deserves it. Second, because I don’t think it will get the serious looks it deserves elsewhere and there’s ZERO chance the Academy lets it leave the Dolby Theatre empty-handed. I think Lady Bird has a better chance than people are giving it too, for similar but non-racially charged reasons. Greta Gerwig somehow made a screenplay about a theater chick from Sacramento universally relatable. I’d say Phantom Thread has an outside chance as well, but it didn’t even get nominated. I mean, the “are you here to ruin my evening, or possibly my entire life?” line is better than the entire The Shape of Water script.

Best Supporting Actor

Nominees: Willem Dafoe for The Florida Project, Woody Harrelson for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, Richard Jenkins for The Shape of Water, Christopher Plummer for All the Money in the World, Sam Rockwell for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Should Win – Sam Rockwell

Could Win – Rockwell’s name is already engraved.

Will Win – Sam Rockwell

Where Is…Armie Hammer for Call Me By Your Name? And Jason Mitchell for Mudbound? BUT SERIOUSLY…WHERE IS ARMIE HAMMER???

I could spend this entire blog talking about how good Sam Rockwell is in Three Billboards. The humanity that he brought to piece-of-shit Jason Dixon convinced a ton of people that his character, who was fired, shunned by his small town, burnt nearly to death, and unsuccessful in his final investigation, was somehow redeemed at the end of the movie. Still, I’d rather talk more about how badly the Academy botched this category. At most they got 3 of the 5 right (there’s little defense for Harrelson and literally none for Plummer). I’d maybe let it slide if it was a down year for supporting male performances, BUT THEY MISSED SOME GREAT ONES. Armie Hammer is seriously an all-time bad snub, and Jason Mitchell deserved this spotlight too. Rockwell is winning in every single scenario, but it would’ve been great for those two guys to get their moments.

Connor

Should Win – Sam Rockwell

Could Win – Willem Dafoe

Will Win – Sam Rockwell

Where Is…Armie Hammer?

As dominating as Frances McDormand is when she’s onscreen (and she is), Sam Rockwell’s bumbling, racist cop is usually the one you can’t keep your eyes off of. He has the greatest character arc of anyone in the film (not that he changes *that* much) and leaves his mark as a villain who might want to be a hero but has no idea how, or if, anyone will let him. Dafoe grounds the entirety of The Florida Project and I wouldn’t be mad in the slightest if he got his “career” Oscar for this little gem. Everyone knows Armie Hammer has the movie star looks, charisma, and build of a leading man. But this is almost a two-hander with Timothee Chalamet and the two of them exhibit some of the greatest chemistry I’ve ever seen in a film. Or anywhere. It’s a thing of beauty and I hope he rests easy knowing—nomination or not—he’s redefined his career.

Best Supporting Actress

Nominees: Mary J. Blige for Mudbound, Allison Janney for I, Tonya, Lesley Manville for Phantom Thread, Laurie Metcalf for Lady Bird, Octavia Spencer for The Shape of Water

Connor

Should Win – Laurie Metcalf

Could Win – Laurie Metcalf

Will Win – Allison Janney

Where Is…Holly Hunter for The Big Sick?

Everyone loves Allison Janney. She knows how to work a room better than anyone in Hollywood and she’s looking very solid here. Can someone tell me exactly what Octavia Spencer did in The Shape of Water to steal this nom from Hunter? I love Spencer but come on. Highway robbery. In what is technically the most wide-open acting category (not really), watch out for Laurie Metcalf in the heartbreaking role of her life. This should be hers. Yes, Janney has the flashy lines and comedic chops, but honestly have you ever seen a more realistic depiction of a working class mother? I haven’t. She grounds the entire film while Lady Bird has her head in the clouds. The reason the phone call is as powerful as it is at the end of the film is more of a testament to Metcalf than it is to Ronan—and that’s saying something.

Should Win – Laurie Metcalf

Could Win – Laurie Metcalf

Will Win – Allison Janney

Where Is…Tiffany Haddish for Girls Trip?

You nailed it. I have no idea why Metcalf isn’t the runaway favorite for this award. Honestly, I probably think it was the best overall performance of the year. (Not “overalls” performance, which clearly goes to Frances McDormand). Usually when I feel this strongly about a candidate, I eschew what the “experts” are predicting to roll with what I think is right. But Janney has won EVERYTHING leading up to the Oscars. And look, I am way more into I, Tonya than most people. Janney is outrageously funny in this role…but that’s really all the role is. Besides those two, this category is super weird. Octavia Spencer did nothing special for me in The Shape of Water, and I guess Mary J Blige is solid in her like 8 minutes of screen time in Mudbound? Connor already covered the deserving Holly Hunter, so how about Tiffany Haddish’s star-making performance? Girls Trip made a ton of money, but I feel like it was still overlooked because this movie is just as, if not more, funny than Bridesmaids. Melissa McCarthy got an Oscar nom for her breakout role in that movie, and Haddish deserved the same treatment here.

Best Actor

Nominees: Timothee Chalamet in Call Me By Your Name, Daniel Day-Lewis in Phantom Thread, Daniel Kaluuya in Get Out, Gary Oldman in Darkest Hour, Denzel Washington in Roman J. Israel, Esq.

Should Win – Daniel Day-Lewis

Could Win – Timothee Chalamet

Will Win – Gary Oldman

Where Is…Jeremy Renner for Wind River?

I feel like this is a pretty underwhelming group for what is often the can’t-miss category of the night. Maybe that’s unfair, because I love three of the nominated performances, but Gary Oldman’s inevitable win is probably why I can’t shake that feeling. And that’s coming from a HUGE Gary Oldman fan. That’s Sirius motherfucking Black. I just feel like Darkest Hour shouldn’t be bringing home any important hardware, even if Oldman fully committed and nailed Churchill’s quirky mannerisms. It’s a boring take on my part, but Day-Lewis should absolutely win. We’ve reached the Michael Jordan effect here. Just like Jordan should’ve won MVP for every season he played in the 90s, DDL should win Best Actor whenever he graces the screen with his presence. Even if he wasn’t at his Daniel Plainview heights, he got me to deeply care about an idiosyncratic dressmaker in the 50s. As for snubs, Gyllenhaal was probably the worst, but I’ll give a quick shoutout to Jeremy Renner for playing a silently grieving father to a T.

Connor

Should Win – Timothée Chalamet

Could Win – Timothée Chalamet

Will Win – Gary Oldman

Where is…Jake Gyllenhaal for Stronger?

Commissioner Gordon is going to get his. And it really is a great show he puts on. Also, Jake Gyllenhaal deserved so much more recognition than he got for Stronger. But no other performance this year made me *feel* as much as Chalamet’s. He learned Italian, piano, guitar, and does it all so effortlessly that I kept forgetting how young he is (youngest Best Actor nom in something like 80 years). So deserving. It’s an honor just to be nominated alongside these guys but for my money he should be installing a shelving unit for this hardware. Good luck looking at a fireplace ever again after you see this.

Best Actress

Nominees: Sally Hawkins in The Shape of Water, Frances McDormand in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, Margot Robbie in I, Tonya, Saoirse Ronan in Lady Bird, Meryl Streep in The Post

Connor

Should Win – Saoirse Ronan

Could Win – Sally Hawkins or Saoirse Ronan

Will Win – Frances McDormand

Where Is…Vicky Krieps for Phantom Thread?

Another absolute lock here. McDormand redefines “powerhouse” in what has to be one of the craziest, angriest scripts of the century. Her Mildred does unspeakable things, and is in no way redeemable, but McDormand brings enough raw pathos to the role that you are on her side all the way. Hawkins has the most challenging role of the bunch (mute janitor who loves fish monster) and this is easily Ronan’s best of her young career, but nothing will get in the way of Mrs. McDormand…except maybe herself—she publicly said the Academy should reward a younger actress…(I’ll let you talk Krieps).

Should Win – Sally Hawkins or Frances McDormand

Could Win – Sally Hawkins

Will Win – Frances McDormand

Where Is…Vicky Krieps for Phantom Thread?

Like Connor said, McDormand is winning this award. And I think that’s both a good thing and a bad thing. It’s good because she is absolutely ferocious, hilarious, and occasionally heartbreaking in this role. Mildred Hayes is probably the character of the year. On the other hand, this is such a loaded category this year so it’s unfortunate that the other four nominees will receive consideration more as a formality than anything. It might be kinda obvious by now that I think The Shape of Water is a pretty overrated contender, but Sally Hawkins is by far my favorite part of that movie. Not just because she brilliantly plays a mute woman, but she actually convinces the audience that her love with a fish man makes any sense despite the fact that all they did together was dance one time and eat a few eggs. I’d be psyched if she won. The same goes for Ronan, who had to do more in her movie than anyone else, and Streep, whose performance I feel like is somehow being underappreciated. I thought Margot Robbie was really good as Tonya Harding (even if she looked absolutely nothing like her), but I’m not too sure what she’s doing here. I would have rather seen Gal Gadot recognized for her breakout role as Wonder Woman, or especially Vicky Krieps for doing the impossible by going the distance in an acting boxing match with Daniel Day-Lewis.

Best Director

Nominees: Christopher Nolan for Dunkirk, Jordan Peele for Get Out, Greta Gerwig for Lady Bird, Paul Thomas Anderson for Phantom Thread, Guillermo del Toro for The Shape of Water

Should Win – Jordan Peele

Could Win – Jordan Peele

Will Win – Guillermo del Toro

Where Is…Luca Guadagnino for Call Me By Your Name?

Major props to the Academy, because they crushed this category. I probably would have handpicked the same five. But there isn’t really much intrigue here, because del Toro is winning. Part of the inevitability is because this category is often used as somewhat of lifetime achievement recognition. More than that though, it’s because GDT turned this insane vision into a good movie, and the 13(!!!) total nominations proves just how well rounded and technically masterful the voters think The Shape of Water is. I’ll still be rooting for Peele, but I can get more into that in a second.

Connor

Should Win – Christopher Nolan

Could Win – Nada

Will Win – Guillermo Del Toro

Where Is…Edgar Wright for Baby Driver?

Look, nobody is taking this away from Guillermo. He’s incredibly beloved within the industry (while people have trouble connecting to Nolan’s coldness). He’s won every precursor. It’s his. Fine. But the sheer audacity of what Nolan tried to do — and completely achieved — should not go unnoticed. This is his first directing nomination, but, almost certainly, it will not be his last. Also, Edgar Wright deserves a shoutout for the technical wizardry and pure cinematic rush of Baby Driver.

Best Picture

Nominees: Call Me By Your Name, Darkest Hour, Dunkirk, Get Out, Lady Bird, Phantom Thread, The Post, The Shape of Water, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Connor

Should Win – Get Out or Lady Bird

Could Win – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Will Win – The Shape of Water

Where is…The Big Sick?

It’s a three-horse race at this point between The Shape of Water, Three Billboards, and Get Out. Shape has clearly captured the hearts of the older voters with its love letter to old Hollywood (man, it feels like that’s *all* you need to go for to score a nom these days) and Three Billboards is the actors’ favorite, so watch out. But of the three Get Out is the only one that changed the game. Its lack of an editing nom spells almost certain doom but there’s a groundswell of support for it and it’s a true underdog worth rooting for. The Big Sick was robbed in several categories, this being the most notable. (Really? Darkest Hour?) And then there’s Lady Bird. I’ve gushed over this film for months and after repeat viewings I’m here to tell you that it’s still an all-timer. Arguably the greatest exploration of the mother/daughter relationship ever put to film, Lady Bird’s success is just one of many signs that the tides are changing in Hollywood. Great Gerwig is here to stay and Saiorse’s third nom before age 25 proves that she is the greatest actress of her generation. It’s as close to perfect as anything 2017 had to offer. In other words — it’s hella tight.

Should Win – Get Out

Could Win – Get Out, Lady Bird, or The Shape of Water

Will Win – Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Where Is…I, Tonya?

I have zero clue how on earth Darkest Hour – this year’s second best movie about the Dunkirk evacuation – scored a nomination. I really would have liked to have seen I, Tonya in its place or as a tenth nominee, because I think it’s objectively terrific and arguably the most entertaining movie of the year. Yes, the movie overlooked some important information and essentially chose a side despite aiming not to. But I loved the way that it leaned into the unreliable narrations and absurdity of the whole situation, all while offering a brutally honest look into American classism and condemning our society’s need for a villain to hate. Still, I’m not gonna complain about this group. I think the Academy went 8/9 here, which is WAY better than they usually do.

Biggest award of the night is the biggest tossup. I think there are four legitimate possibilities. I’m buying that Lady Bird actually has a chance, even if it’s an outside one. It would need to win Original Screenplay first, and I already covered how I don’t think that will happen, so we’ll cross it off. I’m scrapping The Shape of Water too, even though it’s probably the most common pick and has the most nominations by a mile. I expect it to land between third and fifth on a lot of ballots, but are there really enough voters who think this was the best movie of the year? I’m guessing not. So that leaves Get Out and Three Billboards, two radically different movies but my two favorites from this group. Get Out is my absolute favorite though, and I think it’s the *best* movie of the year too. It had me laughing out loud at times and on the edge of my seat at others, but it also just so happens to be one of the smartest and sharpest movies on racism ever made. Jordan Peele pulled off a masterpiece, plain and simple. Still, it technically falls within the comedy and horror genres, probably the two least popular within the Academy. I think conventionality wins out and Three Billboards nabs the main prize. While I wouldn’t exactly call it a conventional movie with its zigzagging script and some of the most vulgar dialogue ever put on the big screen, it has already won big at other awards shows and is a lock in at least two major categories. Some people do not like this movie at all, but I’m betting on way more people loving it.

Nominee From Another Category That Needs To Win

Best Original Song

“Remember Me” from Coco

It’s embarrassing how livid I will be if “Remember Me” doesn’t win. For starters, Coco kicks ass. The song kicks ass. Just so much ass kicking. But more importantly for the sake of defending its award credentials, the song is CRUCIAL to the movie. If you weren’t teary-eyed or completely bawling when Miguel sings it with Coco at the end of the movie, there is actually something wrong with you. Seriously, give this award to that stupid song about PT Barnum with a chorus of “OH OH OHHHHH” and see what happens.

Connor

Best Cinematography

Roger Deakins for Blade Runner 2049

Went in with sky-high expectations, left completely satisfied. No film looks better this year, except *maybe* the final shot of Tom Hardy’s plane on the beach in Dunkirk.

Best Picture Ballot

Connor	PJ
1. Lady Bird	1. Get Out
2. Get Out	2. Call Me By Your Name
3. Call Me By Your Name	3. Lady Bird
4. Three Billboards	4. Three Billboards
5. Dunkirk	5. Dunkirk
6. The Shape of Water	6. Phantom Thread
7. The Post	7. The Shape of Water
8. Darkest Hour	8. The Post
Phantom Thread* (haven’t seen)	9. Darkest Hour

Personal Top 10 of 2017

Connor	PJ
1. Baby Driver	1. Get Out
2. The Big Sick	2. The Disaster Artist
3. Lady Bird	3. Three Billboards
4. Call Me By Your Name	4. I, Tonya
5. Three Billboards	5. The Big Sick
6. The Florida Project	6. Lady Bird
7. Get Out	7. Phantom Thread
8. Dunkirk	8. Coco
9. The Disaster Artist	9. Wind River
10. Stronger	10. Call Me By Your Name

OTHER

The Up-To-Date, Best-On-The-Internet Guide To Binging Black Mirror (AKA My Personal Rankings)

Posted on January 12, 2018November 10, 2022 by PJ Moran

Unless you live under a rock or in a dystopia where you sleep in a boxed room with advertisement-laced screens for walls, then you are at least familiar with Black Mirror by now. It is Charlie Brooker’s masterpiece series that poses questions of what not-so-distant futures would look like if certain technologies advanced beyond our control, and more importantly asks how humans would instinctually react in the face of these technological adversities. “The Twilight Zone for millennials” is how your uncle would probably describe it. The tone ranges from funny to thrilling to just plain dark, but above all else, each chapter is seriously thought-provoking in its own unique way. For fans like me, it has become an absolute obsession, which I’m well aware is setting up perfectly for a meta finale centered on the Black Mirror community who treat the show as a way of life.

Part of the beauty of the show is its anthology format, meaning each episode is completely independent of one another. Now, unless there is an actor or director attached to one of these episodes that prompts you to watch that entry first, you probably would have no idea where to properly begin your journey. Allow me to serve as your cookie and help out (nailed that reference…you’ll get it soon.)

Almost every episode has a major twist and is way more fun if you have no clue what’s about to go down, so I’ll keep reviews simple for all of the newbies. I will include spoiler-filled sections though, because these are essentially my personal rankings and debating Black Mirror with fellow fanatics has become a hobby of mine. So whether you’re watching for the first time or the tenth time, go forth and enjoy!

1. “The Entire History Of You” (Season 1, Episode 3)

For The Rookies: I’d say there are four of five Black Mirror classics, but this is the only one of that group that embodies everything we love about the show. In an alternate reality where everyone has devices implanted in their brains that allows them to rewind and stream memories, how far down the rabbit hole would you go to potentially prove suspicions about a loved one, even if it meant tearing apart everything that matters to you? Would you be able to resist those feelings of jealousy and paranoia? Black Mirror has tackled the subject of memory in a few episodes now, but this spin is still the most original and chilling.

entire history of you

For The Veterans: Fucking Jonas. That name is forever ruined for me. I’ll never forget my feelings of doubt and embarrassment for Liam slowly turning into “oh no…oh no…oh god no he’s actually right.” It’s been nearly two years since watching this episode for the first time, and I still have absolutely no idea what I would have done in his shoes.

2. “San Junipero” (Season 3, Episode 4)

For The Rookies: The episode that officially brought Black Mirror into the mainstream, with some assists from the Emmys and Saturday Night Live. It’s commonly called “the happy one,” although that totally shortchanges the script and isn’t even all that true. The story seesaws between beautiful and heartbreaking and poses the deepest of deep questions. Would you spend your afterlife on loop in a virtual paradise or roll the dice on the natural outcome? What if your loved ones didn’t get the chance to make that same decision? And good luck getting “Heaven Is A Place On Earth” out of your head!

san junipero

For The Veterans: Kelly and Yorkie forever. One of the best love stories ever produced on television, I can’t even begin to describe my rush of emotions once those credits rolled and we found out that Kelly chose her. It’s like the “Red Wedding” episode of Games Of Thrones in the sense that it’s impossible to overstate just how shocking the ending was at the time. Oh, and you bet your ASS that I’m picking San Junipero if I’m in Kelly’s deathbed.

3. “Be Right Back” (Season 2, Episode 1)

For The Rookies: So I settled on the order of this list through a mixture of objectivity and subjectivity, which is the reason that “Be Right Back” clocks in at only third. While I absolutely adore this episode, I might be underselling it because it could definitely be called the best episode of the series. Would you bring back a deceased loved one if he/she left some of himself/herself behind? It is truly a spectacle to watch and features what is legitimately some of the best acting I have ever seen from Hayley Atwell and Domhnall Gleeson. And it’s just about as emotionally gutting as it sounds.

be right back

For The Veterans: That scene on the cliff. My god. I’m getting teary-eyed just writing about it. Do I buy the idea that Martha would let the daughter visit the clone of her father? I guess so…beats her stumbling upon him during a game of hide-and-seek. Do I buy the idea that Martha isn’t breaking Robot Ash out of the attic every other night to take advantage of his jackhammer abilities? Uhhh no.

4. “Hang The DJ” (Season 4, Episode 4)

For The Rookies: I love this episode so much. If you told me prior to the season that Black Mirror would be taking its magnifying glass to dating apps, I’d be irrationally excited. And “Hang The DJ” still exceeded all expectations for an episode of its kind. Depending on the kind of person you are, you will either immediately sign up for eHarmony or delete your Bumble account following this essential hour of television.

hang the dj

For The Veterans: I knew the twist had to be coming, and they laid out a bunch of clues along the way, but I was still so pleasantly surprised when it finally happened. And you better believe that I was smiling like an idiot during the real-life meeting in that final scene. Considering the perfect chemistry between Frank and Amy, I’m assuming the 0.2% of simulations that didn’t end in rebellion were due to Frank killing himself after a year of a forced relationship with that one nightmare of a girl.

5. “USS Callister” (Season 4, Episode 1)

For The Rookies: Another gem from Season 4, “USS Callister” is nothing short of an accomplishment. Its 76-minute running time allows it to address more than the average episode, but it still effectively explores so many themes without feeling overstuffed. The episode has star power, is extremely topical, looks amazing, and happens to be really funny in a super twisted way. Only Black Mirror can have an episode get this dark while still touchingly paying tribute to Star Trek.

uss callister

For The Veterans: Lesson learned: be nice to the tech guy in your office. This episode does such a good job of having us buy into Daly as a simply misunderstood guy just to suddenly reveal that he’s actually the Harvey Weinstein of cyberspace. I do think the plot has some flaws – how does the smartest coder in the world miss a backdoor in his own simulated reality that leaves him vulnerable to permanent entrapment? Still, the rebellion led by Lt. Cole is so exciting and ultimately rewarding that all faults can easily be overlooked.

6. “White Christmas” (Season 2.5)

For The Rookies: Maybe the most ambitious chapter of the series, even to this day. It has a 74-minute running time and doesn’t waste a single second, considering it’s essentially three mini-episodes squeezed into one holiday special. There’s so much to break down with this plot, but at the same time there’s almost too much to tease. It might sound like I’m of the opinion that this episode tried to do too much, but I actually think it all comes together in a pretty compelling fashion. Oh, and Jon Hamm stars in it…just trust me on this one.

white christmas

For The Veterans: Where to begin? The first vignette, the one where Jon Hamm’s character accidentally coaches a man into a murder-suicide, could have been an episode on its own. The second vignette, with Talisa from Game Of Thrones playing the digital copy of a rich woman stuck inside an Alexa-like product, is horrifying in a good way, but also underdeveloped and improved upon by future episodes. The final vignette, which reveals why the two men are at the outpost in the first place, is the highlight of the episode. The resulting two-part twist is both a hit and a miss. From the perspective of Rafe Spall’s character, it’s absolutely devastating and a nightmare to consider. But for Hamm’s character, it feels kinda weak and anticlimactic.

7. “Nosedive” (Season 3, Episode 1)

For The Rookies: The premise of “Nosedive” is one that you might’ve discussed with friends with some possible marijuana involvement: what if we judged each other in our daily interactions on the Uber five-star scale? The bright color palette fits perfectly with the episode’s materialistic tone, even if they both make you want to throw a brick at your TV by the end of it. If you choose to watch chronologically, then you’re definitely gonna be thrown off by an episode written by The Office and Parks and Recreation alumni. But it’s a great introduction to what Netflix brings to Black Mirror.

For The Veterans: I know a lot of people don’t love the ending. It’s definitely predictable and barely qualifies as a twist, but I’m cool with it. Bryce Dallas Howard is amazing in that wedding speech scene, and the final shots from the jail cells really stuck with me. Also shoutout Alice Eve, who’s just delightful in everything she’s in.

8. “The National Anthem” (Season 1, Episode 1)

For The Rookies: The episode that got it all started, and Charlie Brooker definitely didn’t choose to lay up with his first shot off the tee. I sincerely apologize for this graphic image, but it’s the question this episode asks (in modern American terms): if a universally beloved figure, say Reese Witherspoon, was kidnapped and her captor’s only demand was for the President to bone a pig on live TV, would you expect him to do it? And on top of that, would you watch? Yup…things get real FAST. It’s captivating stuff and speaks volumes to modern societies, but I rank it closer to the middle of the pack than the top. Black Mirror doesn’t have to go total sci-fi to succeed, but this chapter still just doesn’t feel much like Black Mirror. An undoubtedly great episode of television, but not where I’d recommend you start.

the national anthem

For The Veterans: Still one of the best twists, and I still feel like an idiot for not catching it before it went down. Bravo to Brooker and Co. for making the audience feel like just another person at the bar watching the pig fucking.

9. “Metalhead” (Season 4, Episode 5)

For The Rookies: A ton of fans probably don’t have kind things to say about “Metalhead,” but I really like this episode! I’ll just get out in front of what makes it different: it’s shot in black-and-white and it’s the series’ shortest with a 41-minute running time. That’s probably what so many people hate about the episode, but I thought the minimalistic strategy was risky in a good way. I can also tell you entirely what the episode is about, because that’s revealed right off the bat: humans are running for their lives from murderous robot dogs. That’s it, and it’s awesome! And Boston Dynamics…hey idiots…keep this shut down forever, ok?

metalhead

For The Veterans: There really isn’t too much else to discuss because of how straightforward this episode is. I was momentarily confused why the woman chose to attack the dog that was blinded by paint, but then a few minutes later it made sense once it was revealed that more dogs were on the way. The teddy bear twist also totally worked for me.

10. “Black Museum” (Season 4, Episode 6)

For The Rookies: Arguably the most polarizing episode of the show. I’ve seen a lot of people whose opinions I trust call it Season 4’s best episode, while I’ve also seen a ton of reviews calling it a series low point. I fall somewhere in the middle, because I really enjoyed the episode but also recognize its glaring weaknesses. I can’t really preview anything from the story without giving something away, so my only advice to first-timers is that “White Christmas” is required watching first, because “Black Museum” rips off its structure to a point where it would be copyright infringement if done by a different show.

black museum

For The Veterans: OK, I’ll start with the bad. I didn’t like either of the first two asides that Rolo narrated. The pain addict story just made zero sense to me. I almost think it was supposed to be parody of some sort, but if not then good lord that sucked. And as for the dude who signed up to have his comatose wife’s consciousness put inside his brain…how the hell did he think that was going to go?! He voluntarily signed up for schizophrenia! And even Rolo’s side comments like the boner joke…beyond cringe-worthy. So if you’re wondering why I really liked the episode, it’s because the twist is that good. It was set up perfectly and registered as a full 10/10 on the satisfaction scale. I think the final scene with the stuffed monkey being put in the front seat and Nish’s mom being implanted in her brain (did she not learn the lesson of that story?) was really cheesy, but oh well.

11. “Men Against Fire” (Season 3, Episode 5)

For The Rookies: This episode is pretty consistently ranked near the bottom of similar lists, but I think it’s a bit underrated. It takes place in a post-genocide dystopia brought on by the American military, so it’s probably not surprising that “Men Against Fire” focuses on possible advancements in military technology, which I think is a fascinating subject. It’s a powerful episode that places the Black Mirror microscope on the ruthlessness of the people in charge of American institutions.

men against fire

For The Veterans: Yes, the overall message of the episode is heavy-handed and essentially exists as a middle finger to American military strategy. And yes, the twist is kinda obvious and is executed way too early. But the reveal that the “roaches” are actually genocide survivors is still devastating and works as a painfully effective metaphor for how certain leaders view certain groups of people. Take your pick which scene is more emotionally crushing: the one where Stripe is forced to watch his murders on loop, or his return home to what’s actually a rundown shack.

12. “Hated In The Nation” (Season 3, Episode 6)

For The Rookies: This episode is probably better than a few in front of it on this list, but I’m sorry…it’s just way too long. Clocking in at an hour and a half, it’s still the longest of the chapters (besides “Bandersnatch”) when it really didn’t need to be. It’s paced perfectly for a murder mystery, but there are just some elements of the story that felt like fluff to me. But like I was saying, “Hated In The Nation” is still great and finally gave us the Black Mirror spin on social media that we had been waiting for. Just get ready for what’s practically a movie when you sit down to watch this episode.

hated in the nation

For The Veterans: You KNOW that you or one of your friends would’ve participated in the #DeathTo hashtag. While the twist is incredible, this is the worst episode to watch with your parents, just because of the inevitable “you know you’re never really protected behind a keyboard” lesson during the ending credits. And I know from memes that bees are dying globally at an alarming rate, but did we really need the Black Mirror take on colony collapse disorder?

13. “Striking Vipers” (Season 5, Episode 1)

For The Rookies: The only solid entry from Season 5, “Striking Vipers” has all the makings for a classic episode. It has a bona fide star in Anthony Mackie, the director of two of the top three episodes on this list, and insanely impressive visuals and effects. The central idea is great too, diving DEEP into masculinity through VR erotica. So why does it only land at #13? Because “Striking Vipers” plays it disappointingly safe, and that’s especially frustrating in an episode where two best friends are syncing into a video game to hook up with one another.

striking vipers

For The Veterans: I do think this episode is good, but man it could have been GREAT. The scene where Danny and Karl kiss in person is so ambiguous that I don’t even know what they were trying to say. And when a hard stance is finally taken on a theme, it happens during the credits and focuses on…monogamy? Super random.

14. “White Bear” (Season 2, Episode 2)

For The Rookies: Ahhh, “White Bear.” The story opens with a woman waking up in a house with no recollection of how she got there, only to go outside to find other people either hunting her or filming her. So basically, a woman lives an actual nightmare. But considering this is Black Mirror, you can correctly guess that there’s more to it than that. I’m not at liberty to divulge what that is, but just know that you’re probably gonna be sitting in silence for a few minutes after this one.

white bear

For The Veterans: It’s been nearly six years since this episode was released, and it’s still widely debated by the “love it” and “hate it” camps. Personally I lean more towards the latter camp, although I totally get the appeal. While you can’t really dispute against this twist being the most disturbing, you can definitely argue that it’s still the best that the show has ever pulled off. My thing is, it just took so long to pull out the rug from underneath us that I was almost bored during the first 30 minutes. And as for the twist itself, it lasted so long that my “HOLY SHIT” reaction had time to devolve into “oh ok” before the episode was over. Some critics probably have ethical issues either empathizing with a child murderer or publicly torturing someone against their will, but this is Black Mirror we’re talking about. I actually think “White Bear” offers one of the more accurate representations of our culture, because I am positive that I know people who would willingly participate in this social experiment on a nightly basis.

15. “Fifteen Million Merits” (Season 1, Episode 2)

For The Rookies: Another reason why I’d recommend binging in this order instead of chronological order is the show’s suggested back-to-back of “The National Anthem” into “Fifteen Million Merits.” It goes directly from the most tech-absent episode into what is by far the most sci-fi entry in the series, and it might catch you off guard. This episode takes place in a dystopia where humans are relied upon to pedal stationary bikes in order to generate electricity, which in turn earns them virtual currency called “merits.” Merits can be spent sparingly on vending machines or to skip advertisements on the television walls within bedrooms, or they can be spent in bulk to participate in a talent competition that offers the only escape from this indentured servitude. I actually think this is one of the most profound episodes of the series, and you get an A+ performance from Daniel Kaluuya in it. But at the same time, I wouldn’t blame you for writing it off as too weird.

fifteen million merits

For The Veterans: I struggle a lot with this episode, because I think it manages to simultaneously be ahead of its time while falling victim to not aging well. The final twist is BRUTAL and yet so good, and left me permanently paranoid that politicians have the leaders of the resistance movements against them on their payroll. Also something I didn’t remember until a recent rewatch…how about Black Mirror low key exposing the Harvey Weinstein types six years early in the scene where Abi has her drink spiked then is peer pressured into doing porn? Still, I really dislike a lot of the technical aspects of this episode. I’m not too sure why the show assumes that Wii avatars and shows styled like The Wiggles will be staples of our future culture. And while American Idol and X Factor were huge when this episode was released, we’ve fortunately started to move past shows where people publicly try their hardest to prove their talents just to face judgment from millions of viewers at home.

16. “Shut Up And Dance” (Season 3, Episode 3)

For The Rookies: I actually kinda like this episode, but I admit that I am overrating it despite its ranking at #15. It’s not particularly good. In a way the events of this episode are strangely relatable, considering we are shown in the first few minutes that our teenage protagonist is a normal kid who rides his bikes to and from his restaurant job. But then he downloads some shit he shouldn’t have downloaded, and all hell breaks loose. Sure, it’s well acted (Bronn!) and definitely exciting, but it doesn’t really offer any insight whatsoever. I just don’t understand its purpose outside of terrifying every single person who watches it.

shut up and dance

For The Veterans: If “Shut Up And Dance” is one of your favorites (which I know is the case for a lot of fans), that’s all good. You and I just happen to like Black Mirror for different reasons then. The climax of this episode is absolutely bananas. The kid LITERALLY MURDERS a man. So yeah, I’d argue it’s way more nonsensical than thoughtful. Like, what was the message here? That some people are just dicks? That we shouldn’t watch kiddie porn? Um…got it?

17. “Arkangel” (Season 4, Episode 2)

For The Rookies: This episode asks the question that makes every 21^st century teenager’s heart sink: what if your mom had one of those child tracker apps embedded into your brain as a toddler? I was SO psyched for “Arkangel” upon learning the premise of the episode, which is why I am sorry to report that I found it really underwhelming. Look, I’m not aiming to rain on any parades here. I encourage you to still watch it, and I hope you enjoy it! But aside from the acting (Rosemarie DeWitt gives an all-time Black Mirror performance), I’m not really sure what there is to like about it.

arkangel

For The Veterans: Ugh, how did this end up as such a “meh” episode??? There was SO much potential here. It just seems like every decision related to the episode’s vision was the wrong one. The mom choosing to reactivate the tablet just as her daughter was losing her virginity then later snorting coke was way too convenient. But those are minor critiques…let’s talk about that ending. It STUNK. Sara literally beating her mother over the head with the tablet was some laughably clumsy writing. And like, I get that Sara had no sense for the exact damage that she was inflicting, but how was she surprised that she was fucking up her mom’s face? And then she freaks out and decides to…hitchhike a ride? Whatever.

18. “Playtest” (Season 3, Episode 2)

For The Rookies: A lot of fans vouch for this episode, and there’s a solid chance that you’ll soon be one of those fans. But I think it’s the single-most overrated episode of the show. I was STUNNED when some people told me that this was their favorite episode of Season 3. It just does nothing for me at all. Maybe it’s because I’m not a gamer. Maybe it’s because I’m completely disinterested in virtual reality technology. Or maybe it’s just because I don’t love the horror genre. But if you feel differently about one of those qualifiers, then this could be an episode for you.

playtest

For The Veterans: I know I’ve already told you how I really feel about “Playtest,” but even from an objective standpoint I think it’s a mediocre episode of Black Mirror. I’ll acknowledge what I found great about it. The cheap-looking CGI monsters trick Cooper into thinking the haunted house isn’t so scary, only to be lured deeper into the test to have his Alzheimer’s fears exploited. That was really smart and genuinely terrifying. But the twist that reveals that Cooper actually died within a second of beginning the test is just so convoluted that it leaves the audience with the wrong kinds of questions. I’m not really sure what the social commentary of this episode is either…Cooper seems like literally the only person that would face the consequences of this technology. He goes out of his way to visit an experimental video game company and knowingly breaks the specific rules given to him. What did he expect? And what’s the overall message? To call your parents more? The whole episode is just way too clever for its own good. Oh, besides when it decides to take the simple route when Cooper casually hooks up with the hottest girl I’ve ever seen through a dating app. Honestly more unrealistic than any of the video game tests.

19. “Bandersnatch” (Season 4.5)

For The Rookies: “Bandersnatch” is…a lot of things. It’s the longest chapter of the series, with a minimum runtime of 90 minutes. It’s probably the most innovative of the bunch, being the first of the Choose Your Own Adventure variety. It’s also possibly the…dumbest? The interactive technology is definitely cool and impressively operates without any glitches, but that doesn’t stop it from feeling annoying and confusing and unnecessary all at the same time. Tie that in with a forgettable story and forgettable themes, and you have this whiff of an episode. It’s a whiff I suppose you can appreciate, but a whiff nonetheless.

bm_bandersnatch_9

For The Veterans: I might have just given “Bandersnatch” too much credit in that opening section, because this plot stinks out loud. On top of being impossible to follow and not genuinely Choose Your Own Adventure since the characters basically tell you no if you make the wrong choice, it’s just so goddamn lame. It features an unbearable amount of meta commentary, especially with the Netflix stuff. Hated that. Will Poulter’s character is cool and has the only interesting things to say on the subject of free will, but his moments are few and far between. There was definitely a massive miscalculation here, because instead of going back and watching the alternate endings when my path ran its course, I was just relieved that the episode was finally over.

20. “Smithereens” (Season 5, Episode 2)

For The Rookies: “Smithereens” is one of the few Black Mirror episodes to take place in a world that closely resembles our own, and guess what? It would have been a hell of a lot more interesting if that wasn’t the case! While this chapter is thoroughly not good, it’s more silly and annoying than offensively bad. Questioning our obsession with social media and our impulsive reactions to notifications? It’s minor league stuff. Of all the episodes to clock in at 70 minutes, it’s unfortunate that it’s one that feels more like it was written by a freshman psych student than by Charlie Brooker.

smithereens

For The Veterans: I’m repeating myself, but “Smithereens” just annoys me. The characters all suck and are thinly written — seriously, why was that mom with the dead daughter not cut out of this episode — and it’s not nearly as dramatic as the premise would imply. And what on earth was the goal with Topher Grace’s character? The not-so-subtle inclusion of a Jack Dorsey type CEO was funny, but to go fairly out of the way to sympathize for him? Weird move.

21. “Crocodile” (Season 4, Episode 3)

For The Rookies: An episode about insurance investigations that is just about as exciting as that sounds. A total dud from Season 4, “Crocodile” starts out with a genuinely interesting scene where a couple accidentally kills a biker then decides to dispose of the body. It all goes downhill from there. It’s another episode built around memory-based technology, but this take is the least cool and innovative of the bunch. Again, I encourage you to watch it and form your own opinions, as is the case with the previous 20 episodes on this list, but I’m pretty positive you won’t love this one.

crocodile

For The Veterans: Whew, I have so much to get off my chest about “Crocodile.” I’ll start with the acting, which was easily my least favorite of Season 4. And that’s coming from an Andrea Riseborough fan, but her performance was way too one-note for my liking and limited my engagement in her character. Are we positive that Mia doesn’t just get off on killing people? When it became clear that she was also going to murder the investigator’s husband (yes, her fourth kill of the episode), I was out. And THEN she decided to kill the baby. WHAT. THE. FUCK. And then we find out that the baby was blind and didn’t need to die at all, because of course he was. I seriously felt like I was being tested by this episode. Even for Black Mirror standards, it went too far and was barely even worth the watch for entertainment purposes.

22. “Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too” (Season 5, Episode 3)

For The Rookies: I clearly do not hold a high opinion of this episode with where I have it ranked on this list, but I do have some kind things to say about it. It’s an original idea with Miley Cyrus as the perfect casting choice to carry it out. OK, that’s actually all of the kind things I have to say. It flat out sucks. It’s terribly paced, not funny, and falls into the eye-rolling thematic trap of “pop music = bad” that’s plagued movies and TV over the past few years. You are consistently asking yourself “what the hell am I watching” throughout the episode, and not in the good Black Mirror kind of way.

ashley too

For The Veterans: Like…I think I know what Brooker was going for here? It was supposed to be a fucked-up spin on a Disney Channel original movie starring the Queen of the Disney Channel herself? But yeah…no. If Miley wanted an excuse to do Nine Inch Nails covers, she didn’t have to resort to this.

23. “The Waldo Moment” (Season 2, Episode 3)

For The Rookies: So I’ve said it a few times now, but I cannot recommend highly enough that you watch every available episode of Black Mirror. Each chapter brings something new to the table for the most part, and public opinion is so split on so many of them that you might end up really liking an episode that’s among my least favorite. HOWEVER, none of these rules apply to “The Waldo Moment.” It is the only episode of the show that has zero redeeming qualities. I’m paraphrasing here, but it essentially asks, “what if Stewie Griffin ran for President?” You can seriously just skip it.

the waldo moment

For The Veterans: This episode annoys me so much that I don’t even want to spend any more time writing about it. It is aggressively non-funny, and I’m pretty sure at least part of its purpose was to be the first comedic Black Mirror episode. And get the hell outta here with your thinkpieces on how it’s gained relevancy in the age of Trump and Brexit. It was bad in 2013, it was bad in 2016, and it’s still bad in 2020. It’s so fucking bad.

Disagree with my rankings? Or want to just tell me how smart I am? Find me on Twitter @Real_Peej

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The Up-To-Date, Best-On-The-Internet Guide To Binging Black Mirror (AKA My Personal Rankings)

1. “The Entire History Of You” (Season 1, Episode 3)

2. “San Junipero” (Season 3, Episode 4)

3. “Be Right Back” (Season 2, Episode 1)

4. “Hang The DJ” (Season 4, Episode 4)

5. “USS Callister” (Season 4, Episode 1)

6. “White Christmas” (Season 2.5)

7. “Nosedive” (Season 3, Episode 1)

8. “The National Anthem” (Season 1, Episode 1)

9. “Metalhead” (Season 4, Episode 5)

10. “Black Museum” (Season 4, Episode 6)

11. “Men Against Fire” (Season 3, Episode 5)

12. “Hated In The Nation” (Season 3, Episode 6)

13. “Striking Vipers” (Season 5, Episode 1)

14. “White Bear” (Season 2, Episode 2)

15. “Fifteen Million Merits” (Season 1, Episode 2)

16. “Shut Up And Dance” (Season 3, Episode 3)

17. “Arkangel” (Season 4, Episode 2)

18. “Playtest” (Season 3, Episode 2)

19. “Bandersnatch” (Season 4.5)

20. “Smithereens” (Season 5, Episode 2)

21. “Crocodile” (Season 4, Episode 3)

22. “Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too” (Season 5, Episode 3)

23. “The Waldo Moment” (Season 2, Episode 3)