I know this isn’t the spiciest take that I’m ever gonna write up. There are a lot of people out there who stand by me on this. But there are way, way, way more people who think calling this song overrated is straight up heresy. Us haters cannot be the silent minority any longer. Now I would never suggest that those personally victimized by Mariah Carey should start our own #MeToo movement or anything like that. But say one of these victims has a blog, then it would be his/her moral responsibility to speak up. We need to fight back against the unstoppable tide that is this song every December. You can’t spend over an hour surfing the web around this time a year without stumbling upon an article from some bullshit site like BuzzFeed or Elite Daily that’s headlined “19 Times You Literally Didn’t Even Know That You Need ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’” or “YASSS QUEENS IT’S MARIAH SEASON.” And it’s definitely not just girls who lose their shit over this song. I’ve seen some alpha personalities react to it coming on like a teenage girl seeing Paul McCartney in 1964. Football teams are using it as the music for postgame flash mobs, because that’s apparently something we’re still doing. It’s everywhere, and it’s fucking unbearable.
My biggest gripe with the song is that it’s just not Christmassy. It’s neither holly nor jolly! The best Christmas songs are the ones you can just kick back to at a gathering with family or close friends. I’m talking Bing Crosby BANGERS. If your family listens to “All I Want For Christmas For You” while decorating the tree or while curled up near the fireplace with some eggnog, then please forget to invite me to your next Christmas party. But just because I’m anti-Mariah doesn’t mean I’m anti-fun with my Christmas jukebox. Please do not mistake this as a recommendation to hold hands and sing every verse of “O Come, All Ye Faithful.” Some of my favorite Christmas songs are poppy, but this one is just too damn over-the-top. It sounds like it belongs in a shopping montage in a Hallmark movie. It sounds like it belongs in a JCPenney commercial. Where it doesn’t sound like it belongs is the North Pole. Like, could you imagine Mariah personally caroling this song to you and thinking it’s festive? Heck no! But say five strapping young men named Justin, JC, Lance, Joey, and Chris offered to perform “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” right at your doorstep? Heck yes!
And I don’t think I’m crossing any lines here when I say that everyone knows Mariah Carey is kinda a bitch diva bitch right? No one is mistaking her for Mrs. Claus. There’s just a 0% chance her assistants get off on the 25th. Like it’s not a question of whether or not she gets coal for Christmas…it’s a question of whether or not she gets that fossil fuel shit or beautiful clean coal, which is totally a real thing. There’s nothing wrong with a little sass around the holidays either, but it’s gotta be endearing. Just look at Hermey from Rudolph:
He pretty much tells the other elves to talk to the hand when they get on his case about making toys, but that’s only because my dude is daydreaming about becoming a dentist. And it’s not exactly like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin were choirboys in their heyday. But renegades like Sinatra, Martin, and Hermey are guys we can get behind. Can we really say the same about the former Mrs. Nick Cannon? Her high notes used to be 98 MPH fastballs, but nowadays she’s out there lobbing knuckleballs that barely reach the plate. Just listen to her “singing” the song back in 2014:
Or who could forget her iconic performance from earlier this year on the Seventh Day of Christmas, AKA New Year’s Eve:
I award her zero swans a-swimming for that! Mariah might have been elected Queen of Christmas through some societal Electoral College system based on radio plays and Twitter mentions, but you know what I say to that? She’s #NotMyQueenOfChristmas. There are so many good candidates for the throne out there too! May I suggest the voice behind “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” and total Mariah Carey lookalike Brenda Lee?
And you know what the worst part is? The song is only getting bigger. It just charted in the Top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100 for the first time. At this rate it’s gonna be the 2037 Song of the Summer. That is, unless we keep fighting the good fight against it. You might still like the song despite this incredibly convincing argument that I’ve beautifully laid out against it. Or you might be thinking, “hey asshole, if you’re such an expert then why don’t you write a better song?” Um, would you ask Barbra Streisand to write a Christmas song? Didn’t think so. Instead, I’ll give you a diverse set of superior jingles. I present…
The #Nice List
“It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” – Andy Williams
“A Holly Jolly Christmas” – Burl Ives
“Jingle Bell Rock” – Bobby Helms
“Sleigh Ride” – The Ronettes
Personal Mt. Rushmore of the classics. Ton of acceptable alternates out there…unless you’re thinking “Santa Baby.”
“Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town” – Bruce Springsteen
“Wonderful Christmastime” – Paul McCartney
“Little Sick Nick” – The Beach Boys
Turns out people who are really good at making everyday music are also really good at making Christmas music.
“Christmas Wrapping” – The Waitresses
My all-time favorite. It’s funky and spirited at the same time. I’m smiling ear-to-ear for every single second of it. Oh, you think it’s “too weird?” Well the Grinch called, and he says to cheer the fuck up.
“Fairytale of New York” – The Pogues
No better song to have come on at your hometown bar on December 23rd when you’re surrounded by some old friends and some people you’d pay to never have to talk to again. A few lyrics haven’t aged very well, but overall it’s the best Christmas drinking song.
“Christmas In Hollis” – Run-D.M.C.
Now I’ve never experienced Christmas time in Hollis, Queens where mom is cooking chicken and collard greens, but it sounds like a real hoot!
The One That’s Used In Every Crazy Lights Video – Trans-Siberian Orchestra
I headbang for Jesus.
“Feliz Navidad” – Jose Feliciano
“Linus And Lucy” – Vince Guaraldi Trio
Who needs words? Affectionately called “the Charlie Brown one,” this song pretty much serves as the theme song for Christmas. Also the Foo Fighters cover of it on SNL from last weekend is must-watch.
Anything By The Glee Cast – The Glee Cast
Glee was on the air for like five seasons too long, but those outcasts could put together a Christmas album. Pentatonix is also an excellent go-to source for any Christmas cover. But you know who is not? Michael fucking Buble. I. Cannot. Stand. Buble. (Of course I’m rooting for his kid that has cancer, but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to hate on his dad’s lounge singer bullshit.) (Also never forget that he cheated on Emily Blunt.) HEY BUBLE…YOU OVER-ANNUNCIATE EVERY GODDAMN LETTER OF EVERY GODDAMN WORD, BUT YOU STILL CAN’T PUT THE G AT THE END OF ANY VERB THAT ENDS IN –ING?!?!
Any other songs that deserved some recognition? Let me know on Twitter @Real_Peej